The Flashing 12 Photography Blog

Why B&H Photo aren't the best thing since sliced bread

2011-10-03T11:05:00.003Z

I'm now officially confused. The whole photographic world seems to think B&H Photo is the best thing since sliced bread. Except me. Why could that be?

I was in New York recently, on business, and had the opportunity to visit B&H Photo for the first time. I'd heard AMAZING things about B&H that this was a dream come true for this photo enthusiast. The range of goods for sale, the prices, the helpful staff, the general AWESOMENESS of this store. I was excited!

I was working in our office on 6th Avenue so it wasn't too much of a walk to get to the store - about 10 blocks south and three or four west. I was actually bouncing along thinking of all the marvellous things I was going to buy there. I even had a shopping list!

The first disappointment was the near perfect lack of gear on display. Sure, you could pick up a bag from LowePro or a Giottos monopod - but where were the cameras? The flashes? The lenses?

None of the stuff you actually want to pick up, touch and check out are on display. No, you have to queue up to see an "Advisor". It's a bit like Gringotts Bank...

Anyway, I didn't have huge amounts of time on that visit so I picked up one of their fabulous catalogues and made tracks.

A couple of days later I went back. I had more time this time. All would be well.

I had checked the prices of lenses and flashes and a few other things I wanted. All of them were cheaper at home. All. Of. Them. B&H Photo is NOT a cheap place to shop.

Still I thought I would try and get something to take home with me. I spent some time with one of the shop floor based sales team and he was incredibly helpful, knowledgable and gave some excellent advice. I identified something reasonable to get at around the $100 level (so not a token buy but not super expensive either) and this is where my B&HPhoto experience got completely surreal.

Actually having the temerity to want to BUY something at B&H triggers the following process.

You identify what you want to buy.
The shop floor assistant helps you to queue up to see one of the ~~Gringotts Goblins~~, sorry, Advisors who spend several minutes tapping information into a computer.
A little while later a green box appears on one of the conveyor belts with your item in it.
Aha! I can pay for it and go.
No. The item is put back in the box and disappears (wtf?)
I get given a piece of paper which tells me how much to pay.
I get my credit card out and I am told no, you have to go downstairs to pay. Huh?
Where's the thing I want to buy?
It'll be waiting for you downstairs. Huh?
So. I go downstairs and realise that I have to queue up again.
I have to queue to pay.
Aha! Thinks me. I will pay cash. That will be quicker. Er... No. It won't actually. The credit card queue goes pretty quickly (in comparison).
It's then that I lose the will to live (and shop again in B&H)
I realise there is another ENORMOUS queue at the pick up point.
I leave.
They don't get my custom and, for all I know, there is still an item in a green box waiting for me at B&H.

For folks in the UK, it's a bit like what life would be like if Ryanair ran an Argos branch in Diagon Alley!

So. Did I have a bad experience? Did I get it all wrong about B&H?

Or is it a shop run by people who simply don't trust their customers and who have invented a purchasing process which is so arcane it made me, a photographic shop-till-I-drop shopper, give up?

Canon vs. Nikon

2011-04-28T14:16:00.002Z

People often ask me whether they should buy Nikon or Canon. It's been a bone of contention for years in the photographic community - much like the Mac vs. PC arguments...

The long and the short of it is that when you're starting out it doesn't really matter. It is very hard to buy a poor camera from any of the major brands! When you're gardening do you care whether you're using a Spear and Jackson spade or a Draper spade? No it doesn't.

It's not until you get into the higher levels of camera that choosing the "right one" becomes important - and by then you should know anyway. It's a fools progress to spend a bajillion pounds or dollars on your first camera.

Here's a question. Which brand of camera took that picture at the top? Answer at the end of this artcle.

Top tips on choosing a first camera:

Spend less on the body and more on the lens - you'll probably change the camera body within a year or two but the lens (the "glass") will last for years and years.. Buy the bare body and a separate lens - you might even get a better deal
If you have a photographer friend who is willing to share, lend or swap gear, buy the same make as them - you can borrow from them, lend to them and generally learn together.
More megapixels isn't necessarily better
Read reviews on places like DPReview or the Digital Photography School
Buying second hand IS an option - check this article for some good tips but be careful!

First steps in photography

Don't get sucked into the "more gear is better" syndrome. Buy a decent lens for your camera body and spend time learning how it works.
Understand the difference between "WANT" and "NEED". Until you can say why you need something (and shiny shiny doesn't count) you are thinking of buy it because you want it not because you need it. Save the money until you know WHY you want it.
Buy the best you can afford. Buying cheap is almost always a waste of money. You will, as your skills develop, learn that the $20 tripod is useless and you will be tossing it out and getting the $200 tripod pretty quickly. That $20 is called the Newbie Tax...
RTFM. Read The F-f-f-f-fine Manual. Seriously. Read it all.
Read it again.
Take the lens cap off.
Get out and shoot. And shoot. And shoot. Look at the pictures - understand why they are good, bad or indifferent.
Read lots and lots of blogs and books.

And that picture? I took it on my phone. An HTC Desire... See? It doesn't matter and you couldn't tell...

Someone once said, the BEST camera in the world is the one you have with you.

Please do leave feedback if you have any! I'll do my best to comment back or email directly.

My first photography blog post...

2011-04-26T12:42:00.002Z

I thought my first post on this, my newly repurposed Flashing12 blog, should link the original purpose of the blog to tell stories about people who are technologically inept with my photographic passion/obsession...

For those of of you who don't know, a “Flashing 12” is a person with no technical inclinations; someone who is inept in all things technological. The name comes from the fact that when you walk into their house their VCR (yes, exactly!) is flashing "12:00", because they cannot figure out how to program it.

I had a moment last week I would like to pass on...

Every so often I need (or want) to use an expensive lens. I've hired Canon 100-400mm L lenses, 70-200 f/2.8 L lenses and suchlike from Calumet here in London. They have this weekend deal which enables photographers like me to hire a lens on the Friday and return it on the following Monday and get charged for one days hire. Sweet eh?

It gets better. Over a bank holiday weekend the same deal applies so you get 4 days hire for the price of one! Last weekend here in London was a loooong weekend so I decided to push the boat out and hire a BIG lens. So off I trotted to Calumet at Drummond Street (Euston / Euston Square) and hired a Canon 400mm f/2.8 L lens.

Now, I was expecting a biggish lens. What I wasn't expecting was the killer monster lens from hell which I duly left Calumet with. Man this thing was heavy...


Canon 400mm F/2.8 L lens (Mark 1)

I got it back to the office okay and as my hands and arms recovered I thought I would see how heavy it was. The Canon USA website is, by far, the best Canon site out there and downloading the spec sheet and manual for the 400mm L was easy.

The lens weighed 5.3Kg (11.7 pounds) and that got me thinking a bit more...

You see, each tripod is rated to carry a certain weight. Stay below that and you're fine. Go above it and bad things might happen. With Calumet's parting comment of "Don't Drop It" ringing in my ears and the £4,000 deposit weighing my credit card down I researched my Manfrotto 190CXPro4 carbon fibre tripod's own weight rating. It can handle 5kg. When you add in the 1.2kg weight of my Canon 7D and grip it makes it an interesting combination.

Worst case? A gust of wind blows my (top heavy, overloaded) tripod over and with it my camera and £4,000 deposit...

I rang them back and explained what I was concerned about. The guy I spoke to sad that if it was his gear he would probably go for it but as it was a hire he probably wouldn't.That settled it. I duly trooped back to Calumet and, I have to say, they were brilliant. They reversed out the deposit and cancelled the hire

I may be thick but I'm not stupid..

Lesson learned: Before you hire that piece of dream gear research it all properly...

There you have the post that links my Flashing 12 days with my Photography days. More to come shortly.

A change of direction.

2011-04-21T21:22:00.000Z

As of today this blog will become my main blog for my photography review, news, notes and - of course - some pictures. I hope you enjoy it. If you don't, tell me. If you do, tell your friends.

Mandelson censors Jeremy Clarkson

2009-11-09T20:43:00.000Z

From Old Holborn blog...:---

Jeremy Clarkson
Sunday Times

I’ve given the matter a great deal of thought all week, and I’m afraid I’ve decided that it’s no good putting Peter Mandelson in a prison. I’m afraid he will have to be tied to the front of a van and driven round the country until he isn’t alive any more.
He announced last week that middle-class children will simply not be allowed into the country’s top universities even if they have 4,000 A-levels, because all the places will be taken by Albanians and guillemots and whatever other stupid bandwagon the conniving idiot has leapt

I hate Peter Mandelson. I hate his fondness for extremely pale blue jeans and I hate that preposterous moustache he used to sport in the days when he didn’t bother trying to cover up his left-wing fanaticism. I hate the way he quite literally lords it over us even though he’s resigned in disgrace twice, and now holds an important decision-making job for which he was not elected. Mostly, though, I hate him because his one-man war on the bright and the witty and the successful means that half my friends now seem to be taking leave of their senses.

There’s talk of emigration in the air. It’s everywhere I go. Parties. Work. In the supermarket. My daughter is working herself half to death to get good grades at GSCE and can’t see the point because she won’t be going to university, because she doesn’t have a beak or flippers or a qualification in washing windscreens at the lights. She wonders, often, why we don’t live in America.

Then you have the chaps and chapesses who can’t stand the constant raids on their wallets and their privacy. They can’t understand why they are taxed at 50% on their income and then taxed again for driving into the nation’s capital. They can’t understand what happened to the hunt for the weapons of mass destruction. They can’t understand anything. They see the Highway Wombles in those brand new 4x4s that they paid for, and they see the M4 bus lane and they see the speed cameras and the community support officers and they see the Albanians stealing their wheelbarrows and nothing can be done because it’s racist.

And they see Alistair Darling handing over £4,350 of their money to not sort out the banking crisis that he doesn’t understand because he’s a small-town solicitor, and they see the stupid war on drugs and the war on drink and the war on smoking and the war on hunting and the war on fun and the war on scientists and the obsession with the climate and the price of train fares soaring past £1,000 and the Guardian power-brokers getting uppity about one shot baboon and not uppity at all about all the dead soldiers in Afghanistan, and how they got rid of Blair only to find the lying twerp is now going to come back even more powerful than ever, and they think, “I’ve had enough of this. I’m off.”

It’s a lovely idea, to get out of this stupid, Fairtrade, Brown-stained, Mandelson-skewed, equal-opportunities, multicultural, carbon-neutral, trendily left, regionally assembled, big-government, trilingual, mosque-drenched, all-the-pigs-are-equal, property-is-theft hellhole and set up shop somewhere else. But where?

You can’t go to France because you need to complete 17 forms in triplicate every time you want to build a greenhouse, and you can’t go to Switzerland because you will be reported to your neighbours by the police and subsequently shot in the head if you don’t sweep your lawn properly, and you can’t go to Italy because you’ll soon tire of waking up in the morning to find a horse’s head in your bed because you forgot to give a man called Don a bundle of used notes for “organising” a plumber.

You can’t go to Australia because it’s full of things that will eat you, you can’t go to New Zealand because they don’t accept anyone who is more than 40 and you can’t go to Monte Carlo because they don’t accept anyone who has less than 40 mill. And you can’t go to Spain because you’re not called Del and you weren’t involved in the Walthamstow blag. And you can’t go to Germany ... because you just can’t.

The Caribbean sounds tempting, but there is no work, which means that one day, whether you like it or not, you’ll end up like all the other expats, with a nose like a burst beetroot, wondering if it’s okay to have a small sharpener at 10 in the morning. And, as I keep explaining to my daughter, we can’t go to America because if you catch a cold over there, the health system is designed in such a way that you end up without a house. Or dead.

Canada’s full of people pretending to be French, South Africa’s too risky, Russia’s worse and everywhere else is too full of snow, too full of flies or too full of people who want to cut your head off on the internet. So you can dream all you like about upping sticks and moving to a country that doesn’t help itself to half of everything you earn and then spend the money it gets on bus lanes and advertisements about the dangers of salt. But wherever you go you’ll wind up an alcoholic or dead or bored or in a cellar, in an orange jumpsuit, gently wetting yourself on the web. All of these things are worse than being persecuted for eating a sandwich at the wheel.

I see no reason to be miserable. Yes, Britain now is worse than it’s been for decades, but the lunatics who’ve made it so ghastly are on their way out. Soon, they will be back in Hackney with their South African nuclear-free peace polenta. And instead the show will be run by a bloke whose dad has a wallpaper shop and possibly, terrifyingly, a twerp in Belgium whose fruitless game of hunt-the-WMD has netted him £15m on the lecture circuit.

So actually I do see a reason to be miserable. Which is why I think it’s a good idea to tie Peter Mandelson to a van. Such an act would be cruel and barbaric and inhuman. But it would at least cheer everyone up a bit. onto in the meantime.

Guess what? It's gone

I guess Pinky Mandelbum didn't like it and leaned on The Thunderer...

Health and happiness

2009-06-12T09:58:00.002Z

For those of you not already in the know, I've been a bit poorly of late. For the avoidance of doubt, I am alive and well.

However...

I spent two nights in Queen Elizabeths Hospital in Woolwich (QEH) early last week attached to lots of machines that go ping. Let me explain a little.

I had a massive dizzy spell a couple of Wednesdays ago which last about three hours. That Friday I came home from work and went straight to bed. On the Sunday, I had some weird shit going on in my chest which lasted a couple of hours. At that point I decided to go to the Doctor's if I had another dizzy spell.

I had that on Monday afternoon.

Monday evening I rocked up at the Quack's and she did some basic tests and sent me packing to the A&E department of QEH. There was a 6 hour wait but I gave them the note, was seen by triage in 10 minutes, had an ECG 10 minutes after that and was in the full blown Resus room within 30 minutes of arriving. They called Janet and she arrived to pick up the car only to see me attached to two drips and an ECG machine. My heart rate was 158bpm, blood pressure was all over the place and I had more drugs thrown at me than I care to remember. At least the Quack didn't hoick me off to QEH in an ambulance.

I was admitted that evening and spent the next three days attached to various drips and machines until I had an "echo cardiogram" which finally nailed my condition down to "atrial fibrillation". [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atrial_fibrillation]

I was released last Wednesday and am now back at work. I have boxes of hardcore heart and blood drugs to take so I've got a multi-day multi-dose pill box into which I have decanted a weeks worth of pills which should make it a bit easier to remember what to take and when. I have regular appointments with the Anticoagulation Clinic who monitor my INR (International Normalised Ratio - a measure of the ability of the blood to clot) and make sure my blood stays nice and non-sticky. The heart is not pumping properly at the moment (the speed is fine, it's just not doing it properly) so there is a risk that blood clots could form in the heart as a result of the blood not being completely flushed from the heart on each cycle. I am taking Warfarin (rat poison) to stop the blood from clotting - thus (hopefully) removing that risk.

The next step will be "cardioversion" which is essentially a rebooting of the heart with a jolt of electricity to put it back into normal rhythm. The last thing they want is for the heart to be rebooted and have all the gunge which has built up in the bit that isn't working properly blasted out into the bloodstream by a working heart. Blood clots in the blood stream are generally considered a bad thing (stroke, pulmonary embolism, deep vein thrombosis being some of the BAD that could happen). This is the reason for taking warfarin - to stop clots from forming. The cardioversion is booked for 24th July assuming my INR is between 2.0 and 3.0 for the two week period beforehand. General anasthetic but in and out in about 6 to 8 hours. The cardioversion should fix it completely but there is a risk it might come back in the future

So until then: no flying, no dramatic increase alcohol intake, no aspirin, no cranberry juice and no cutting myself with carving knives (oops, did that on Sunday, bled like a pig). I was due to go to the GSK in Orlando next week. That's been binned now.

The thing is I feel fine! On the outside I'm still me. I'm still active and okay. The machines in the hospital were telling a very different story though.

Malevolent voices that despise our freedoms - Philip Pulman

2009-03-01T20:06:00.003Z

A rather worrisome development since yesterday's Convention on Modern Liberty.

The wonderful article written by CoML Keynote speaker Philip Pullman on The Times website has disappeared. The link they have is giving a 404 error. Here is that link (http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/columnists/guest_contributors/article5811412.ece)

[update: 2 March 08 - the article is back, under the original link above - but this posting is staying in case ~~the Government~~ The Times changes its mind]

In an email sent to a friend on the eve of the Convention on Modern Liberty, Mr Pullman said this to a colleague.

—–Original Message—–
From: pullman [mailto:---------------------]
Sent: Fri 2/27/2009 8:43 PM
To: **** **********
Subject: Sinister disappearance
Dear ****,
My article has disappeared from the Times Online website with no word of why or where it’s gone. I’m just letting you know so that when I fail to turn up tomorrow you’ll be able to tell people that the secret police have got me.
Yours
Philip

HERE IS THE ARTICLE:

Malevolent voices that despise our freedoms

Are such things done on Albion’s shore?

The image of this nation that haunts me most powerfully is that of the sleeping giant Albion in William Blake’s prophetic books. Sleep, profound and inveterate slumber: that is the condition of Britain today.

We do not know what is happening to us. In the world outside, great events take place, great figures move and act, great matters unfold, and this nation of Albion murmurs and stirs while malevolent voices whisper in the darkness - the voices of the new laws that are silently strangling the old freedoms the nation still dreams it enjoys.

We are so fast asleep that we don’t know who we are any more. Are we English? Scottish? Welsh? British? More than one of them? One but not another? Are we a Christian nation - after all we have an Established Church - or are we something post-Christian? Are we a secular state? Are we a multifaith state? Are we anything we can all agree on and feel proud of?

The new laws whisper:

You don’t know who you are

You’re mistaken about yourself

We know better than you do what you consist of, what labels apply to you, which facts about you are important and which are worthless

We do not believe you can be trusted to know these things, so we shall know them for you

And if we take against you, we shall remove from your possession the only proof we shall allow to be recognised

The sleeping nation dreams it has the freedom to speak its mind. It fantasises about making tyrants cringe with the bluff bold vigour of its ancient right to express its opinions in the street. This is what the new laws say about that:

Expressing an opinion is a dangerous activity

Whatever your opinions are, we don’t want to hear them

So if you threaten us or our friends with your opinions we shall treat you like the rabble you are

And we do not want to hear you arguing about it

So hold your tongue and forget about protesting

What we want from you is acquiescence

The nation dreams it is a democratic state where the laws were made by freely elected representatives who were answerable to the people. It used to be such a nation once, it dreams, so it must be that nation still. It is a sweet dream.

You are not to be trusted with laws

So we shall put ourselves out of your reach

We shall put ourselves beyond your amendment or abolition

You do not need to argue about any changes we make, or to debate them, or to send your representatives to vote against them

You do not need to hold us to account

You think you will get what you want from an inquiry?

Who do you think you are?

What sort of fools do you think we are?

The nation’s dreams are troubled, sometimes; dim rumours reach our sleeping ears, rumours that all is not well in the administration of justice; but an ancient spell murmurs through our somnolence, and we remember that the courts are bound to seek the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, and we turn over and sleep soundly again.

And the new laws whisper:

We do not want to hear you talking about truth

Truth is a friend of yours, not a friend of ours

We have a better friend called hearsay, who is a witness we can always rely on

We do not want to hear you talking about innocence

Innocent means guilty of things not yet done

We do not want to hear you talking about the right to silence

You need to be told what silence means: it means guilt

We do not want to hear you talking about justice

Justice is whatever we want to do to you

And nothing else

Are we conscious of being watched, as we sleep? Are we aware of an ever-open eye at the corner of every street, of a watching presence in the very keyboards we type our messages on? The new laws don’t mind if we are. They don’t think we care about it.

We want to watch you day and night

We think you are abject enough to feel safe when we watch you

We can see you have lost all sense of what is proper to a free people

We can see you have abandoned modesty

Some of our friends have seen to that

They have arranged for you to find modesty contemptible

In a thousand ways they have led you to think that whoever does not want to be watched must have something shameful to hide

We want you to feel that solitude is frightening and unnatural

We want you to feel that being watched is the natural state of things

One of the pleasant fantasies that consoles us in our sleep is that we are a sovereign nation, and safe within our borders. This is what the new laws say about that:

We know who our friends are

And when our friends want to have words with one of you

We shall make it easy for them to take you away to a country where you will learn that you have more fingernails than you need

It will be no use bleating that you know of no offence you have committed under British law

It is for us to know what your offence is

Angering our friends is an offence

It is inconceivable to me that a waking nation in the full consciousness of its freedom would have allowed its government to pass such laws as the Protection from Harassment Act (1997), the Crime and Disorder Act (1998), the Regulation of Investigatory Powers Act (2000), the Terrorism Act (2000), the Criminal Justice and Police Act (2001), the Anti-Terrorism, Crime and Security Act (2001), the Regulation of Investigatory Powers Extension Act (2002), the Criminal Justice Act (2003), the Extradition Act (2003), the Anti-Social Behaviour Act (2003), the Domestic Violence, Crime and Victims Act (2004), the Civil Contingencies Act (2004), the Prevention of Terrorism Act (2005), the Inquiries Act (2005), the Serious Organised Crime and Police Act (2005), not to mention a host of pending legislation such as the Identity Cards Bill, the Coroners and Justice Bill, and the Legislative and Regulatory Reform Bill.

Inconceivable.

And those laws say:

Sleep, you stinking cowards

Sweating as you dream of rights and freedoms

Freedom is too hard for you

We shall decide what freedom is

Sleep, you vermin

Sleep, you scum.

25 Random Things about me

2009-02-12T15:48:00.004Z

1 I used to collect sink plugs from trains – I had a collection of around 20 of them at one point.
2 I still get reminded of the wizard prank I pulled at school in 1980 when I had spider on a piece of cotton above the headmasters head in school assembly
3 I enjoy playing bass guitar and wish I still had one.
4 Podcasting is really important to me but I don’t seem to be able to make the time for it
5 International travel used to be fun but now it’s just boring. I still like Eurostar though.
6 I own too many CD’s (DVD’s, LP’s, cassettes and 7” singles) but I can’t get rid of any. It’s a visceral thing.
7 I once turned down the chance to go to a party with Lemmy from Motorhead. On reflection, 25 years later, it was probably the right thing to do.
8 I wish I had had the courage to be more entrepreneurial. I am sure it would have worked out in the end.
9 I still miss Simon Osborne who died nearly 15 years ago from leukaemia, aged 31
10 I can do realistic impressions of a plughole and a Spitfire.
11 I used to make Airfix kits and when I got bored of them would fill them with cotton wool and meths, light them and throw them out of the window
12 I value the friendships I have made through podcasting – Paul Nicholls, Mike O’Hara, Jason Jarrett to name but a very few
13 Listener feedback for my podcast is a real win for me
14 I own too many gadgets – but he who has most toys wins.
15 Photography is becoming an obsession
16 I don’t like prunes, rhubarb, liver or kidneys.
17 I don’t eat too much – just too often.
18 I am allergic to penicillin. Really allergic. Parky + penicillin = reaction to DEATH
19 I support Arsenal Football Club
20 I still beat myself up over missing my youngest son’s birthday last year. He still beats me up too.
21 I used to make prank phone calls to taxi companies, restaurants and builders merchants.
22 I am an atheist. You don’t have to believe in an invisible man and his zombie son to think it’s a good idea to treat others as you would like to be treated. It’s called the Golden Rule. Look it up.
23 I am a liberal – in every sense of the word. This Thing doesn’t apply to Tottenham Hotspur Football Club.
24 I used to sit at the front of the carriage on the DLR and pretend to drive. I still do, if no-one is watching
25 I can be an arrogant shit but I try not to be.

The Worst Food In America

2009-01-21T16:41:00.000Z

Is it any wonder that America is the land of the Blimp-People? People that make me look positively anorexic…

The link above takes you to the source but to make it easier for you to digest (sorry) here are the main points.

Parky

1. The Worst Food in America of 2009

Baskin Robbins Large Chocolate Oreo Shake
2,600 calories
135 g fat (59 g saturated fat, 2.5 g trans fats)
263 g sugars
1,700 mg sodium

We didn't think anything could be worse than Baskin Robbins' 2008 bombshell, the Heath Bar Shake. After all, it had more sugar (266 grams) than 20 bowls of Froot Loops, more calories (2,310) than 11 actual Heath Bars, and more ingredients (73) than you'll find in most chemist labs.

2. Worst Pasta of 2009

Romano’s Macaroni Grill Spaghetti and Meatballs with Meat Sauce
2,430 calories
128 g fat
207 g carbs
5,290 mg sodium

With three times your recommended daily intake of saturated fat and two days’ worth of salt, these ain’t your mama’s meatballs (at least we hope not). This dish debuted on last year’s list, but there’s no other pasta that delivers this bad of a blow.

3. Worst Starter of 2009

Uno Chicago Grill Pizza Skins (full order)
2,400 calories
155 g fat (50 g saturated)
3,600 mg sodium

This appetizer is like eating a Large Domino’s Hand-Tossed Sausage Pizza! Would you ever think of saying to a waiter: “Why don’t you start us off with a large meat pizza?” If you’re ordering for a party of more than 5 it might be OK, but for smaller groups, it's tilting toward gluttony gone wild. Order the Thai Vegetable Pot Stickers instead—the only item carrying fewer than 800 calories.

4. Worst Pizza of 2009

Uno Chicago Grill Chicago Classic Deep Dish Pizza
2,310 calories
162 g fat
123 g carbohydrates
4,470 mg sodium

A horrific 228 percent of your daily allowance of fat and 167 percent of your daily sodium intake.

5. Worst Ribs of 2009

Outback Steakhouse Baby Back Ribs (full rack)
2,260 calories
(no other nutritional information available)

Let’s be honest: Ribs are rarely served alone on a plate. When you add a sweet potato and Outback’s Classic Wedge salad, this meal is a 3,340-calorie blowout.

6. Worst Chicken Entrée of 2009

Romano’s Macaroni Grill Primo Chicken Parmesan
2,220 calories
148 g fat (53 g saturated fat)
4,440 mg sodium
126 g carbohydrates

“Primo” refers to something that’s the greatest of its kind. Sure, if the ranking is based on the ability to deliver unnecessary calories and fat—this glorified chicken breast is great at that.

7. Worst Sandwich of 2009

Quizno’s Tuna Melt (large)
2,090 calories
175 g fat (31 g saturated fat, 2.5 g trans fats)
2,190 mg sodium

This sandwich puts tuna’s healthy reputation on the line. A large homemade sandwich would likely provide one-fourth of the calorie

8. Worst Burger of 2009

Chili’s Smokehouse Bacon Triple-The-Cheese Big Mouth Burger with Jalapeno Ranch Dressing
2,040 calories
150 g fat (53 g saturated)
110 g protein
4,900 mg sodium

You know this burger's in trouble when it takes more than 20 syllables just to identify it. If you think the name’s a mouthful, just wait until the burger hits the table. You’ll be face to face with two-and-a-half day’s worth of fat—a full third of which is saturated. To do that much damage with roasted sirloin, you’d have to eat about eight 6-ounce steaks. It’s nearly three days’ worth of saturated fat.

9. Worst Mexican Entrée of 2009

Chili’s Buffalo Chicken Fajitas with The Works (Ranch Dressing, Guacamole, Sour Cream, Cheese, and Pico de Gallo + 4 tortillas)
1,730 calories
117 g fat (31 g saturated fat)
5,690 mg sodium

Here are a few offenders to choke on: fried chicken, Buffalo sauce, blue cheese, ranch dressing, and sour cream. All make this the sodium equivalent of single-handedly downing three and a half baskets of Chili's bottomless tostada chips or eating 3 ½ pounds of salted peanuts. Add rice and beans, and you've just ordered 3 days' worth of sodium and an entire day of calories.

10. Worst Chinese Entrée of 2009

P.F. Chang’s Tam’s Noodles
1, 678 calories
93 g fat (17 g saturated fat)

You’d have to eat 42 Krispy Kreme Glazed Doughnut Holes to match the fat content in these noodles.

11. Worst Surf and Turf of 2009

T.G.I. Friday’s NY Strip & Shrimp
1,660 calories
(no other nutritional information available)

Diversity on your plate is usually a good thing, but not with this entrée. It has more calories than three Big Macs. Add variety with healthy sides like a house salad or Friday’s broccoli instead.

12. Worst Dessert of 2009

Romano’s Macaroni Grill Dessert Ravioli
1,630 calories
74 g fat
33 g saturated fat
1150 mg sodium
223 g carbohydrates

Would you eat a Quarter Pounder for dessert? How about four? That’s how many it takes to match to calorie-load of this decadent dish. It’s the quickest way to ruin what may have been a sensible dinner.

13. Worst Fish Entrée of 2009

Outback Steakhouse Atlantic Salmon (9 oz)
1,640 calories
(no other nutritional information available)

Salmon is normally a healthier alternative to loaded burgers and creamy pastas, but this dish—with as many calories as 35 Chicken McNuggets—isn’t one of those substitutes.

14. Worst Breakfast of 2009

Bob Evans Stacked and Stuffed Caramel Banana Pecan Hotcakes
1,543 calories
77 g fat (26 g saturated; 9 g trans)
2,259 mg sodium
198 g carbs
109 g sugars

It’s not a good sign when it takes you nearly five seconds to spit out the name of your breakfast. This bad boy packs in more than 75 percent of your calories for the day, along with more sugar and fat than nine glazed Dunkin’ Donuts, and nearly as much sodium as five Bloody Marys. That’s why it’s back on our list of the 20 Worst Foods in America again this year.

15. Worst Salad of 2009

T.G.I. Fridays Pecan Crusted Chicken Salad
1,360 calories
Fat: unknown (The company refuses to disclose the nutritional content of the food they’re serving you.)
Sodium: unknown

Turns out Friday’s monster salads aren’t much better than their burgers. Six out of the seven we analyzed topped out with more than 900 calories, which means that lunchtime can be the start of something big—namely, your belly.

16. Worst Fast-Food Chicken Meal of 2009

Dairy Queen 6-Piece Chicken Strip Basket
1,270 calories
67 g fat (11 g saturated fat)
2,910 mg sodium

The strips deliver more grams of fat than four DQ Homestyle Burgers, and nearly 300 more calories than a Large Strawberry CheeseQuake Blizzard.

17. Worst Kids' Meal of 2009

Chili’s Pepper Pals Country-Fried Chicken Crispers with Ranch Dressing and Homestyle Fries
1,110 calories
82 g fat (15 g saturated)
1,980 mg sodium
56 g carbohydrates

Most kids, if given the choice, would live on chicken fingers for the duration of their adolescent lives. If those chicken fingers happened to come from Chili’s, it might be a pretty short life. A moderately active 8-year-old boy should eat around 1,600 calories a day. This single meal plows through 75 percent of that allotment. So unless he plans to eat carrots and celery sticks for the rest of the day (and we know he doesn’t), find a healthier chicken alternative.

18. Worst "Healthy" Sandwich of 2009

Blimpie Veggie Supreme (12”)
1,106 calories
56 g fat (33 g saturated fat)
2,831 mg sodium
96 g carbohydrates

Sure, a Veggie Supreme sandwich sounds healthy, but this foot-long comes with three different kinds of cheese, and it’s drenched in oil.

19. Worst Supermarket Meal of 2009

Marie Callender’s Creamy Parmesan Chicken Pot Pie
1,060 calories
64 g fat (24 g saturated fat)
1,440 mg sodium

Marie Callender’s perpetrates the ultimate sleight of hand here: the nutrition information says this medium-size entrée has two servings, but honestly, when have you ever split a potpie? Lard-strewn pastry tops and cream-based fillings are the lowest common denominators of the nutritionally nefarious potpie, and this one, with an ingredient list that reads like an O-Chem final, beats out dozens of horrendous iterations to earn this special place on our list.

20. Worst Breakfast Sandwich of 2009

Hardee’s Monster Biscuit
710 calories
51 g fat (17 g saturated)
2,250 mg sodium
37 g carbohydrates

When they say “Monster,” they mean it. This 700-calorie behemoth should be enough to scare anyone: It contains nearly a full day’s worth of sodium and saturated fat. Instead, try the Sunrise Croissant with Bacon. It’s not exactly diet-friendly, but if you’re stuck at Hardee’s, it’s a way to escape without too much damage.

Efficiency vs. Effectiveness

2008-11-26T13:27:00.003Z

I had an experience this morning that I wanted to share with you.

As some/many of you will know I work in sales for a major software house, based in London. Industry knowledge is an important part of the job so I subscribe to various email lists and RSS feeds which give me the information I need to do my job.

One particular company started to change the mix of their messages to me - more product selling than information delivery. So I decided to cancel the subscription. I checked the email and sure enough there was the unsubscribe link. I told it to open in a new window - fully expecting it to be one of those "Your unsubscribe request has been accepted" type messages. It wasn't. It opened a blank email to the unsubscribe list manager.

Now, you have to understand that 99 times out of a hundred I just hit send. This time I did something different. I sent them a message to tell them why. It looked like this:

"From: Parkinson, Paul
Sent: 26 November 2008 11:52
To: remove@XYZpublishing.com (Not the real name!)
Subject: Reason for removal request.

The signal to noise ratio was too high. Too much “product for sale” marketing compared with the information content. Sorry."

Here is where it gets interesting. I got the following email back - within 10 minutes no less.

"From: SC [mailto:remove@XYZpublishing.com]
Sent: 26 November 2008 12:02
To: Parkinson, Paul
Subject: RE: Reason for removal request.

Dear Paul,

Thank you for your email and feedback. We always welcome feedback and have found your comments useful. Would you like to still receive our weekly ezine which is an information/news email?

Kind regards,

SC
Sales Administrator"

Brilliant! SC turned an unsubscribe request into resubscribe with one great question. Do I want to receive the weekly e-zine? Why yes I do! Thank you very much. And I stayed with them.

Some of you might be thinking "so what?"

They used a human being to capture the unsubscribe requests which is is unusual these days. All too often it's just a machine. It's true that with many large lists the job is a painfully tedious one which could be done "better" by a program BUT could a program have given me feedback understanding the issue I experienced and offer to improve their service to me by fine tuning their lists to my benefit? Furthermore could a program have made me feel better about the company I am doing business with (albeit in a small way) - to the extent I am blogging about it?

I guess what I am driving at is the difference between efficiency and effectiveness. Using a "remove" program is very efficient but a human being is more effective.

As one of my sales trainers from back the day said:
Efficiency vs. Effectiveness - don't mop harder. Turn off the tap.

A little human intervention goes a long, long, way and THAT is the important thing we need to remember in this connected world.

The company? www.ibspublishing.com
Thank you, SC.

Bushisms...

2008-11-05T13:52:00.000Z

While large corners of the world are busy celebrating Obama's presidential victory there will be some people feeling slightly deflated to see George Bush step down as US president.

Over the past eight years Bush has provided us with endless amusement as a result of his faux pas or ‘Bushisms' as they've been dubbed. Here are twenty favourites.

20. "Those who enter the country illegally violate the law." - Nov. 28, 2005

19. "We don't believe in planners and deciders making the decisions on behalf of Americans." - Sept. 6, 2000

18. "If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the dictator." - Dec. 19, 2000

17. "Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness." - Aug. 30, 2000

16. "I think we agree, the past is over." - May 10, 2000

15. "I understand small business growth. I was one." - Feb. 19, 2000

14. "This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating." - April 23, 2002

13. "I want everybody to hear loud and clear that I'm going to be the president of everybody." - Jan. 18, 2001

12. "One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." - Jan. 3, 2000

11. "I was proud the other day when both Republicans and Democrats stood with me in the Rose Garden to announce their support for a clear statement of purpose: you disarm, or we will." - Oct. 5, 2002

10. "I just want you to know that when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace." - June 18, 2002

9. "I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein." - May 25, 2004

8. "I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society." - Aug. 13, 2002

7. "There's an old saying in Tennessee - I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee - that says, fool me once, shame on - shame on you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again." - Sept. 17, 2002

6. "The truth of that matter is, if you listen carefully, Saddam would still be in power if he were the president of the United States, and the world would be a lot better off." - Oct. 8, 2004

5. "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." - Sept. 29, 2000

4. "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." - Aug. 5, 2004

3. "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" - Jan. 11, 2000

2. "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." - Jan. 27, 2000

1. "They misunderestimated me." - Nov. 6, 2000

Queen Elizabeth at Google

2008-10-16T14:07:00.000Z

Whilst the majority of the Royal Family are a bunch of useless hangers on with nothing more to add to my life than an empy jar of Marmite, it was nice to see Google UK putting a special front page together for HRH's visit to their offices today.

Prince Charles I can live without and ditto for his mistress-cum-wife Camzilla

Diana's boys seem to be decent lads - and once HRH shuffles off this mortal coil I hope Charlie The Tree Hugger will swerve his "duty" and hand over to William.

Whilst the idea of a UK Republic has its attractions I don't really beleive it will ever happen and even if it did I don't see any way that our current political system would give us figurehead that carried any weight or power.

I am not particularly a royallist (note the small 'r') but neither am I a Republican. Somewhere in between if that's possible.

Making Twitter Pay

2008-10-16T08:57:00.000Z

I like Twitter. I post a reasonable amount (twitter:parkylondon) and would be prepared to pay for my use of Twitter.

My suggestion (FWIW) is that if you post less than (say) 30 times per month it stays free but over that you pay (say) five bucks per month. If you are a mega-poster that would rise to twenty bucks a month for over - say - 250 posts per month. The model is from Libsyn - it works for them, and me, and I think it would work for Twitter.

If they get people dropping off then so be it. It's a great service. Let's make it pay.

This was originally posted as a comment to this posting at Read Write Web.

Smallest aeroplane on a scheduled flight...

2008-10-07T09:53:00.000Z

...that I've been on. I went on this, a Brittan Norman Trislander from Jersey to Guernsey (and back) last week. It's a three engined propeller plane which seats 16 people.

When I saw it for the first time I thought O...M....G...!!! How are we all going to get in to it? It's got four doors, the seat backs flip down (like in a 2 door car) and they call you forward to be placed in the plane. On the way out I was in the back but on the way back I was in the third row from the front. A most excellent little plane and the view was amazing.

It felt a bit like there was a huge elastic band being wound up and then let go as we prepared for take off but after that it was a very smooth flight. I rather suspect, however, that a November night flight with the wind howling and the rain pounding might be a different kettle of fish.

Interestingly the flight from Jersey to Guernsey was at 1,000 feet and the flight back was at 2,000 feet. Safety first! It takes about 15 minutes. The airline was Aurigny (www.aurigny.com) and it was a very pleasant experience. One member of crew on the flight, the pilot - no co-pilot - and no trolley dollies. I was expecting the pilot to start chucking buns around for our lunch but I think he had his hands full...

Back there in a week or two...

Nested Labels in Google Reader

2008-09-18T13:14:00.000Z

I've just realised something about gMail which might be something new but it's new for me - hence this post.

Set up a new label in gMail such as Music / Amplifico or Tech / TWiT
Then look at the Label List - you'll see a wee cross next to the top level label. Click it. And presto! The second level label appears.

Now add a secondary label such as Music / Hollow Horse or Tech / Dvorak. You'll see each of these are now "nested" out of the Music or Tech labels. Neat huh?

If this is new or not spotted before then yay me. Otherwise just put it down to age. A senior moment! lolz.

The Credit Crunch and what it means for the man on the street

2008-09-15T13:02:00.002Z

Her Maj now the Civil List has been reduced.

iPhone 4G

A prize worth winning!

London 2012. Man those budgets cuts really help!

Lord of the Onion Ring. Well, gold is way expensive now.

17h30 Paddington to Exeter

Poor old Jonathan. He didn't deserve that did he?

Word 2009

Shampoo - it's just another non-essential now.

Clarkson. I'd love to see him drive this!

Brains....

2008-08-25T14:45:00.001Z

img_6426a
Originally uploaded by parkylondon

Is this a zombie magnet?

Motivational Sayings...

2008-08-15T08:45:00.000Z

Put these on a Motivational Poster....

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

Plagiarism saves time.

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Never! underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

We waste time so you don't have to.

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Succeed in spite of management.

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Cuill / Cuil - naaah (not quite so) rubbish...

2008-07-28T15:25:00.001Z

Interestingly I've done a new "vanity" search on Cuill and got a new results (see below post)

Cuill / Cuil - naaah rubbish...

2008-07-28T06:50:00.001Z

I just tried out the new search engine, Cuill at www.cuil.com (pronounced "cool" or, in American "coo-il".

Anyway, it doesn't matter how it's pronounced one, it's rubbish.

I searched for "parkylondon" - that'll be me then! - of course you do a vanity search first!!!

Google: 16,600 responses for parkylondon
Cuil: nil. none. nada, zero, zip.

I know vanity searches are, well, vain but it's a good test. Cuil? Fail.

It resonates, oh yes it resonates..

2008-07-21T13:04:00.000Z

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (GM) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a country mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat . A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action .
Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing .
Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents, and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder . It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners, and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes, and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to

India

.

Sadly, The End.

Here's something else to think about:

GM has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the

, claiming they can't make money paying American wages.

TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the

. The last quarter's results:

TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while GM racked up 9 billion in losses.
GM folks are still scratching their heads.

IF THIS WEREN'T TRUE, IT MIGHT BE FUNNY.

Dr Christopher King - The Bible - Literalism and picking and mixing your theology

2008-07-14T10:02:00.002Z

I note with some interest the comments of Dr Christopher King, a member of the traditionalist group Forward in Faith, after the heckler at the sermon given by Right Reverend Gene Robinson, the world's first openly gay Anglican Bishop. The BBC article here outlines events.

Dr. King asked: "How do you go into the Bible and pick and mix your theology? It's not about being prejudiced. It's about what's in the Bible."

Well.. If its ALL about what's in The Bible and taking it ALL and not "picking and mixing your thelogy" perhaps he could comment on the following items in the Good Book:

"Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can.

When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread. (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)"

Seems like you can pick and mix your theology to your hearts content. If it's in the Bible (and it probably is!) you can do it.

People like Dr. King get right up my nose, the pompous prig.

Snowboarding at Bromley july 2008

2008-07-07T20:41:00.001Z

Most Obnoxious Tourists? The French - TIME magazine

2008-07-07T19:37:00.001Z

Most Obnoxious Tourists? The French - TIME

Interesting article. Apparently the Americans at least try to talk the local language. Les Frogs struggle. Seems counter-intuitive to me.

G8 leaders feast on 13 courses after discussing world food shortages

2008-07-07T14:36:00.001Z

This is simply the grossest situation from what is, essentially, a gross situation. How can Gordon Brown tell us not to waste food when these people sit down and scoff this much grub?

I know I'm not exactly clean as a whistle when it comes to food moderation (food is one of my few vices!) but read what they ate:

Lunch

White asparagus and truffle soup

Kegani crab almond oil foam and green olive tapenade

Supreme of chicken served with its stuffed thigh, nuts and orange savoury with beetroot foam

Special cheese selection with half-dried fruits

Peach compote, ice cream and raspberry coulis

Dinner

Corn-stuffed caviar

Smoked salmon and sea urching "pain surprise" style

Hot onion tart

Winter lily bulb and summer savoury

Folding fan modeled tray decorated with bamboo grasses

including

Kelp-flavoured cold kyoto beef shabu-shabu, asparagus dressed with sesame cream

Diced fatty fles of tuna fish, avocado and jellied soy sauce and Japanese herb "shiso"

Boiled clam, tomato, Japanese herb "shiso" in jellied clear soup of clam

Water shield and pickled conger dressed with vinegar soy sauce

Boiled prawn with jellied tosazu-vinegar

Grilled eel rolled around burdock strip

Sweet potato

Fried and seasoned Goby with soy sauce and sugar

Hairy Crab "Kegani" bisque soup

Salt-grilled bighand thornyhead with vinegary water pepper sauce

Milk fed lamb from "shiranuka" flavoured with aromatic herbs and mustard

Roasted lamb and cepes and black truffle with emulsion sauce of lamb's stock and pine seed oil

Special cheese selection, lavender honey and caramelised nuts

G8 fantasy dessert

Coffee served with candied fruits and vegetables

Wine list

Le Reve grand cru champagne

Japanese saki

Corton Charlemagne 2005

Chateau Latour burgundy

Ridge California Monte Bello 1997

Tokaji Essencia 1999 from Hungary

Full article courtesy of Timesonline from the UK:
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/asia/article4286365.ece

Happy July 4th - Lara Logan GETS IT...

2008-07-04T22:03:00.000Z

Demon Fair Use - oops...

2008-06-21T20:53:00.002Z

Looks like I'm a heavy user of the internet. Apparently I used 54 Gb of bandwidth in the last 30 days. Hmm. I rather suspect it's a combination of my podcasting downloads, Chris on his forums, James playing Eve / WOW and Janet doing her stuff. Anyway, here's what Demon sent me.

Reference: Customer Hostname [pxxxxxx]

Dear Mr Parkinson,

At THUS plc, we take great care to ensure a high standard of service is provided to our Home and HomeOffice broadband customers. We provide this through ongoing performance monitoring of our network, including regular analysis of customer bandwidth usage.

While we encourage our customers to take full advantage of the excellent quality of service we offer, we are also obliged to ensure that our service is used in accordance with our Fair Usage Policy, a copy of which can be found at http://www.demon.net/helpdesk/producthelp/aup/thusfup. This forms part of the agreement between THUS plc and our Home and HomeOffice customers.

We would like to take this opportunity to remind you that in circumstances where bandwidth usage exceeds what we consider to be reasonable, we will be required to take steps to reduce usage to a more equitable level.

THUS plc currently regards 50GB as being a fair maximum usage level of downloads during a rolling 30 day period for Home 8000 customers and 60GB for HomeOffice 8000 customers. Please note that these limits are guidelines and are subject to change.

We are writing to advise you that our use analysis shows that over the past 30 days you have downloaded 54.00GB. If your usage increases above your current levels you may well exceed the limits outlined above and as such we will take corrective action, in accordance with our Fair Usage Policy.

Corrective action would involve limiting your download speed to 128kbps between the hours of 9am and 11pm. No limitations will apply outside these times - you would be able to use the maximum download speed that your line will support. Upstream speeds will not be limited at any time.

Having brought this matter to your attention, we hope that your bandwidth usage will not increase and restrictions in the future will not be required.

May I take this opportunity to thank you on behalf of THUS plc for your custom and offer my apologies for any inconvenience that this may cause. As this is an unmonitored email address for notification purpose only, please do not reply to this message. Should you wish to discuss this further, please contact our Customer Services team on 0845 2722333.

Yours Sincerely

Demon Customer Services

This is the first one I've received but it's a worry. How do I keep under the 50Gb limit? Anyone out there got any ideas?

Any help or ideas gratefully received

Personal Resonance

2008-06-19T10:04:00.003Z

Oh man, this bites me hard.... I've been there done that.

Lara Logan on TV.

2008-06-19T04:54:00.001Z

CBS New Correspondant...

Joke of the Year

2008-06-18T14:31:00.001Z

I think this is the best joke I've heard ALL YEAR...

-----------------------

The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment with the most thorough auditor in the office.

The auditor is not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor.

The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable.'

'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Paddy. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, 'Okay. You're on!'

Paddy says, 'I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'No way! It's a bet.'

Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Paddy says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my other eye.'

The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost three thousand quid, with Paddy's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Would you like to go double or nothing?' Paddy asks. 'I'll bet you six thousand pound that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains for all his worth , he can't make the stream reach the bin on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the solicitor. 'This morning, when Paddy told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me £20,000 that he could come in here and pee all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it.'

Joke Du Jour

2008-06-16T15:36:00.001Z

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish Scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, British scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read:

"British archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, "The Kerryman", a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless."

They. Just. Don't. Get. It.

2008-06-16T06:07:00.001Z

I think they've been drinking their own Kool Aid.

BBC NEWS | Technology | Time to take on the file sharers

A photo every day until he died.

2008-06-09T09:53:00.002Z

This is my last post for a day or two. I want this to be at the top of my page for a while. Read this site.

This is a very moving series of pictures. See you tomorrow.

GTA 4 Stunt Compilation

2008-06-09T09:47:00.001Z

Buskers! Learn this + do it London = ££££££

2008-06-09T09:33:00.001Z

The Scaryduckworth-Lewis Method of Rating Things for Excellence - 2008 list

2008-06-09T06:29:00.001Z

I must confess to laughing myself to death with this. I have been a zombie since April as a direct result of this piece:

Labels: Scaryduckworth-Lewis

Original Link: Robber Rabbit

Behold! After much tinkering, this year's Scaryduckworth-Lewis Method of Rating Things for Excellent is upon us. No change in the top three, but there's very little you can do with that sort of manky perfection.

0. A shaven-headed Britney Spears in a roll neck sweater
1. Lightly-oiled Ann Noreen Widdecombe experimenting in the Acts of Sappho
2. Margaret Thatcher leather whip “happy finish” massage
3. Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, a riding crop and a bucket of beef dripping
4. Judy Finnegan squatting over a glass table, squeezing out a portion of nutty slack
5. Vanessa Feltz in a negligee, selling herself to a leather-clad Pat Butcher
6. Amy Winehouse sucking on a tramp's gusset for her next fix

7. Victoria Beckham in a bikini, lapping at the very gates of skeletal Kate Moss in an OK! Magazine exclusive
8. Delia Smith smeared in mashed potato in the team bath as a Norwich City win bonus
9. A wild-eyed and frothing Heather Mills using her wooden leg to facilitate the pleasure of Myleene Klass.
10. Konnie Huq in a bath of beans, whilst Zoe Salmon scrubs her back with a french stick
11. Susie Dent in shiny black rubber mini-dress, looking up swears in the dictionary while Carol Vorderman rubs herself against a bollard for "one easy, monthly payment."
12. Felicity Kendall wrapped in clingfilm, with Penelope Keith talking dirty in the background
13. Fiona Bruce describing exactly what she would do to you if you left your back door unlocked

14. Kate Winslet mostly keeping her clothes on, a present from a shameless Holly Willoughby
15. Emma Thomspon on a street corner and wrapped in cligfilm asking for "business"
16. An entirely legal Emma Watson exploring the joys of the Golden Snitch
17. Kate Humble in a wet T-shirt competition
18. Billie Piper riding a space-hopper over a cobbled street
19. Nigella Lawson whipping up a creamy sauce with her tongue before demonstrating a novel use for the Kenwood Chef
20. Sarah Beeny wrestling Kirstie Allsopp in a paddling pool filled with baby oil

Did You Know - Part 3

2008-06-09T06:11:00.003Z

What follows is the updated version of the Did You Know Video. After that are the Part 2 and then Part 1 clips. I thought Part I was breathtaking. Perhaps you should look at Part I first. Or not. S'up to you.

Part III

Part II

Part I

Quote of the day:

2008-06-08T13:15:00.001Z

"The only difference between genius and lunacy is timing"

David Tennant as Campbell in Takin' over the Asylum (1994)

Obama - Clinton

2008-06-07T16:22:00.002Z

Here's something that kinda freaked me out and I thought I'd share with you.

My colleague and I were sitting in the bar in Dubai the other night and we got talking to some people. The conversation turned to America and the upcoming election. Could an Obama-Clinton ticket win. The general consensus was maybe but McCain is a strong candidate even if he is not a welcome one in this neck of the woods.

Then someone really blew my mind. He said that America has a habit of getting rid of Presidents it doesn't like. John F. Kennedy was the prime example.

This person said that if the Clinton-Obama ticket happened AND it won the election in November then many different forces might take action. The net result they said was that Clinton WOULD still become President - but not until Obama had been assassinated.

Woah. Wait a minute we jumped back at him. What do you mean?

There's a lot of people in America who hate the idea of a black American president even more than the idea of a white woman President. They cannot change the outcome of the election - assuming the Democrats win - but they can change the race of the President.

We all sat back for a few - it seemed liked minutes - and sighed. That was an outcome for sure. The "vicious racists" could take that kind of action. They could take out "President Obama" and replace him with President Clinton. They could. But would they?

Would they?

Super revenge!

2008-06-05T08:18:00.001Z

This is a tale of revenge. Delicious revenge. Some coarse language and sexual overtones (kinda, sorta) so if you're sensitive to that don't press play. Otherwise - enjoy!

Chick Gets Revenge On Construction Workers - Watch more free videos

I see this far. too. often...

2008-06-02T10:21:00.001Z

I've been in Dubai for a day or so now and have a half-decent internet connection here in the hotel.

The problem here is this picture

I get this when I visit a number of sites such as Twitter which is a royal pain in the ass. Interestingly I was expecting BoingBoing to be blocked but it isn't.

Now, off into the 40degC / 100+degF heat... Blechhh.

Update: Add Flickr and FriendFeed. I couldn't live here the censorship would drive me nuts.

Scirus - scientific research tool

2008-06-02T08:34:00.001Z

Scirus - for scientific information

Joke du Jour - lunch time in Dubai

2008-06-02T08:28:00.001Z

Don't worry about the lunchtime in Dubai - it's nothing to do with the Joke du Jour. It's more to act as an aide-memoire for me.

Anyway, here/s the joke:

A well-dressed blonde woman goes into a bank in centran Manhattan and sits down to speak with the loan officer. She explains to him that she will be traveling to Europe and will need a $5000 loan. The loan officer explains that the bank will need some sort of collateral. The woman produces keys to a Rolls-Royce parked outside. She offers them to the loan manager, along with an envelope containing the car title. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral. As the woman leaves, there are some snickers that she would leave a $250,000 car as collateral for a $5000 loan. One of the bank managers takes the keys and from the loan officer and drives the car himself into the bank’s underground parking.

Two weeks later, the woman comes back and repays the loan, plus $15.43 interest. As she is taking her keys back, the loan officer gets up the courage to ask the question which has been nagging at him: “While you were gone, we looked into your financial situation and we found out that you are a multi-millionnaire. Why would you need a $5000 loan?” She replies “Where else in Manhattan can I leave my car for two weeks, still have it be there when I get back, and only pay $15.43 for parking?”

Who said blondes were stupid?

2008-06-01T06:36:00.001Z

Posted @ blogger 4 routing into Twitter as blocked in Dubai & I can't post. Email me if you need me.

Rob Knox - could the choice of hospital made a difference?

2008-05-28T10:54:00.006Z

I live very near to where Rob Knox, the teenager stabbed at the Metro Bar in Sidcup recently, died. I walk past the spot outside Somerfields (next to the bar) where the flowers and other "in memoriam" articles have been left.

Notwithstanding the horror of the event - it has shocked a normally peaceful area in a most profound way - one thing has puzzled me about this event.

The news reported that Rob was taken to Queen Elizabeths Hospital in Woolwich where he was pronounced dead on arrival. Queen Elizabeth's, whilst an excellent hospital, is over 5 miles away from the incident. My point is there is an excellent Accident and Emergency Centre at Queen Mary's hospital in Sidcup which is less than a mile away.

Would taking Rob to the much nearer Queen Mary's made a difference? I don't know but it could have - he wasn't pronounced dead until he arrived at Queen Elizabeths.

Why did they choose a hospital nearly six times further away, with much busier roads instead of the straight line journey to Queen Mary's?

I haven't heard anything about this. Could it be that they are routing A&E traffic away from Queen Mary's as a precursor to closing it down? If that is true it is an absolute disgrace.

Chants of the Season (by Chris Charles)

2008-05-28T09:03:00.002Z

The following was sent to me by email. I have no idea who Chris Charles is - any info on this in the comments please!

As Rangers took on Zenit St Petersburg in the UEFA Cup final, shouts of "We're gonna deep-fry your vodka!" echoed around the City of Manchester stadium. This was the latest adaptation of a chant begun by Scotland fans in Italy with pizzas, amended to croissants in France and incorporating tapas when Aberdeen travelled to face Atletico Madrid. But the Scots don't have a monopoly on witty ditties. We have picked out our favourite chants of the season - plus a few crazy stadium announcements - sent in by you, dear readers.

REWRITING POP HISTORY

Leeds fans (to the tune of Kaiser Chiefs' Oh My God):
"Oh my God I can't believe it, we've never been this good away from home!"
(Admittedly not heard this weekend - Ed)

Middlesbrough (Bon Jovi's Living On A Prayer):
"Ohh! We're half way there! Ohh-ohh! Aliadiere!"

Man City (Pink Floyd's Another Brick In The Wall):
"We don't need no Phil Scolari,
We don't need Mourinho,
Hey! Thaksin! Leave our Sven alone!"

Bishop Stortford (Toni Basil's Hey Mickey - sung to St Albans goalkeeper Nick Eyre):
"Hey Nicky you're so fine, you're so fine, you're two behind, hey Nicky!"

Arsenal (The Jackson 5's Blame it on the Boogie):
"Don't blame it on Henry, don't blame it on the injuries, don't blame it on the referees, blame it on Eboue!"

Man Utd (Black Lace's Agadoo):
"Anderson-son-son, he's better than Kleberson,
Anderson-son-son, he's our midfield magician,
To the left to the right we'll dance the samba beat tonight,
He is class, our midfield brass, and he dumps on Fabregas!"

Newcastle (The Beatles' Let It Be):
"When we find ourselves in times of trouble, Kevin Keegan comes to me. Speaking words of wisdom, Geremi!"

Tottenham (Elvis Presley's The Wonder Of You):
"That's Ju-ande, Ju-ande Ramos!"

Everton (Black Lace/The Tweenies' Music Man):
"I am the Music Man. I come from far away. And I can play (what can you play?) I Play The Pienaar! Pi Pi Pi Pi Pienaaaaaar!"

Chester (The Outhere Brothers' Boom Boom Boom - to Simon Yeo):
"Boom, boom, boom, let me hear you say Yeo, Yeooo!" (Also used for Paul Mayo by Notts County fans - Ed).

Blackburn (Christmas standard Santa Claus Is Coming):
"You better watch out,
You better beware,
He's good on the ground and he's good in the air,
Santa Cruz is coming to town."

Newcastle (Happy Days theme tune):
"Sunday, Monday, Habib Beye
Tuesday, Wednesday, Habib Beye
Thursday, Friday, Habib Beye
Saturday, Habib Beye, rocking all week with you!"

Man City (The Proclaimers' I'm Gonna Be (500 miles)):
"Oh you can freeze 500 million, and you can freeze 500 more, Cos Thaksin's got another billion underneath his bedroom floor, Shin-a-watra! Shin-a-watra!"

WHAT DO YOU LOOK LIKE?

"You're just a fat Paris Hilton."
Arsenal fans to Liverpool's Andriy Voronin.

"There's only one Tina Turner!"
Doncaster's big-haired Jason Price gets the treatment from Forest.

"You're just a fat Annie Lennox!"
No More I Love Yous from the Spurs fans to West Ham's Dean Ashton.

"There's only one Roland Browning."
Bognor Regis fans taunt big-boned Eastleigh sub Steve Watts.

"You're just a fat Kevin Doyle!"
Reading fans to Robbie Keane.

"He's big, he's Scouse, he looks like Mickey Mouse!"
Sheffield Wednesday fans take the mickey out of Franny Jeffers.

"You're just a fat Eddie Murphy!"
Fans of several Championship clubs to Cardiff's Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink. Also used by Aberdeen and St Mirren fans to Rangers' Jean-Claude Darcheville - Ed.

"You're supposed to be a gnome!"
Millwall fans to Northampton's pint-sized full-back Danny Jackman.

"Sit down, Pinocchio!"
Spurs fans to Boro boss Gareth Southgate.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

"Oh when the beans,
Come out the tin,
Oh when the beans come out the tin,
You put the bread in the toaster,
Oh when the beans come out the tin."
Birmingham fanz meanz business at West Ham.

"Andy Reid, plays left wing, he loves McDonalds and Burger King!"
Sunderland fans to their fast food hero.

"I'd rather be a sausage than an egg!"
More food fun with Birmingham fans.

"Swing low, sweet halibut!"
Grimsby supporters as news of England's win over Australia in the Rugby World Cup filters through.

GALLOWS HUMOUR

"Que sera sera,
Whatever will be, will be,
We're going to Forest Green,
Que sera sera."
Newly-relegated Wrexham fans against Hereford.

"Can we play you every week?"
Man City fans while 6-0 down to Chelsea.

"Can we play you every week?"
Man City fans while 7-0 down to Middlesbrough. Anyone spot a theme developing here? Ed.

"Easy! Easy! Easy!"
Man City fans when the score reached 8-1. That's answered that question - Ed.

"We're going down in a minute!"
Gillingham fans at Leeds.

"Who needs Mourinho, we've got Dave Pacio."
Droylsden fans get behind their manager as they finally win their first game of the season - at the 14th time of asking.

"We should have stayed at the funfair."
Watford fans after going 2-0 down to Southend.

"Let's pretend we've scored a goal!"
Bradford City fans during a 3-0 home defeat to Accrington Stanley, followed by all participants going crazy.

BEST OF THE REST

"You don't know what you're doing!"
West Brom fans after a fan had his marriage proposal accepted by his girlfriend during half-time v Scunthorpe.

"Strawberry blond? You're having a laugh!"
Crystal Palace's ginger-haired midfielder Ben Watson gets a ribbing from QPR.

"Oh Kasper, whoah, whoh, oh,
Oh Kasper, whoah, whoh, oh,
He stands between our posts,
He's named after a ghost."
Cardiff fans to keeper Kasper Schmeichel.

"Does your livestock know you're here?"
Colchester fans to Norwich.

"Oh Moses, whoah oh-oh,
Oh Moses, whoah oh-oh,
He comes from Norbury,
He parted the Red Sea."
Victor Moses is highly rated at Crystal Palace.

"Bill Oddie, Bill Oddie, rub your beard all over my body! Bill Oddie, Bill Oddie..."
Reading fans against Derby - to the tune of Madonna's Erotica.

"We can see you washing up!"
Swindon fans to the occupants of the flats in the corners of Leyton Orient's ground.

"I love Tottenham more than you!"
Spurs fans to their loved ones back home while watching Tottenham on Valentine's Day in Prague.

"Jim Bullard, Bullard, He's better than Steve Gerrard, He's thinner than Frank Lampard, Jim Bullard, Bullard."
Fulham fans salute Jimmy Bullard.

"Are you Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch in disguise?!"
Wrexham fans.

"Does your butler know you're here?"
West Ham to Fulham fans.

"We'll race you back to London!"
Arsenal fans to Man Utd during their 4-0 FA Cup defeat at Old Trafford.

"Can we play you every week?"
Havant & Waterlooville fans when 1-0 up against Liverpool at Anfield in the FA Cup.

"If Robin Hood was real, he'd be dead!"
Oldham supporters at Forest.

"We're the famous Tartan Army and we're here to save the snail."
Scotland fans in Paris.

"Vera's dead, Vera's dead, Vera's dead!"
West Ham fans away at Man City following the death of the character Vera Duckworth in Coronation Street.

"We can't see you sneaking out!"
Worcester City fans celebrate their abandonment at Nuneaton Borough when the floodlights failed with Nuneaton 2-0 up in the 82nd minute.

"You should have banked with The Woolwich!"
Derby fans to Northern Rock-sponsored Newcastle.

"It's neat, it's weird, it's Rafa's goatee beard!"
Liverpool fans salute Benitez's strange growth.

"You only sing at the Boat Race!"
Cambridge United fans to their Oxford counterparts.

"You should have gone Christmas shopping!"
Man City fans to Reading after going one-up.

"You only sing at your weddings!"
Hibs fans to their Gretna counterparts.

STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE SEASON

"The next match here at the Banks's Stadium is on New Year's Day, which this year falls on 1 January."
Walsall stadium announcer at half-time in their league match with Millwall.

"There is a no-smoking policy in all parts of the Layer Road ground. Anyone who is caught smoking will be taken away, strapped to an electric chair and electrocuted until they are dead. Thank you."
Colchester announcer at half-time against Leicester.

"There is a no-smoking policy at Layer Road. Anyone caught smoking will be taken to a darkened room, where they will be imprisoned for 27 hours and forced to listen to Will Young records for all of that time. Thank you."
Colchester announcer tops his previous effort at half-time against Crystal Palace.

"Scorer for Kilmarnock, number 16 Dick Turpin."
Fir Park announcer when Kilmarnock striker Rhian Dodds scored a last-minute winner against Motherwell in a game which the home side dominated.

"Please stand for the national anthem of the Republic of Northern Ireland."
The MC at St Mary's puts his foot in it before the start of the England Under-21 international with the Republic of Ireland.

"Can the people trying to break into the boardroom please be aware you are on CCTV."
Mansfield stadium announcer after the Stags lost to Rotherham.

"A text has come in from Leighton James. He apologises for what he said about Cardiff City and has asked that fans stop sending pizzas and taxis to his house at three in the morning. But Lee Trundle has been speaking to Leighton and has said feel free to send as many pizzas as you like to his house."
Cardiff's stadium announcer tickles the Bluebirds faithful with tales of two former Swansea City favourites.

"His wife always dreamed of a hunky fireman, but all she got was a chunky tyre-man."
Announcer at Man Utd-Villa, introducing one of the participants in the half-time penalty shoot-out.

"And now the Olympiakos team sheet...wish me luck!"
Chelsea announcer before reading out a list of players including Zewlakow, Patsatzoglou and Djordjevic.

"There's a mustard-coloured Peugeot in the car park, registration XXXXXXX. You've left your windows open. Chances are if your car is a mustard colour you want it to be nicked, but just to let you know."
Announcer before the Plymouth-Burnley match.

"If there is a qualified referee in the ground, please can he make himself known to a steward."
Half-time at Fulham v Boro after a few questionable decisions.

"Would the owner of a silver car, registration XXXXXXX - please move it immediately. If they can find it."
At a fog-bound match between Stevenage Borough and Forest Green Rovers.

"There is a taxi waiting in the car park."
(5 minutes later) "There is a greyhound tied up in the car park. We are not yet sure whether the taxi is for the greyhound!"
Histon announcer.

"Mr Coombes in L1, your wife has just gone into labour."
At Leicester v Barnsley.

"Attention please. Congratulations Mr X, you have just become a father."
At Mansfield v Middlesbrough.

"Mr John Smith - your wife is waiting under the scoreboard, it's your turn to feed the baby."
During Leicester Tigers match. You obviously get more 'new men' at the rugby - Ed.

"The scorer for Belper....someone wearing a yellow shirt."
Baffled stadium announcer Roger Skinner during the Colwyn Bay v Belper Town UniBond League match.

"Would the owner of vehicle number XXXXXX, please go to reception, as they have your keys and the windows are wide open. Oh and I got this message five minutes ago."
At Home Park, Plymouth.

At last a newbie 101 guide to photoshop

2008-05-22T10:11:00.002Z

I've used CorelDraw for years but always shied away from Photoshop. It's the learning curve - it's more getting ON the curve! This looks cool.

Getting Started in Photoshop

I. Don't. Care. Go away Dubya. You're not welcome here.

2008-05-21T21:54:00.001Z

George W. Bush (America's first Simian President) is to visit the UK next month. I am away for most of that trip so I'll say here and now that I don't care.

What I do know is that his gas-guzzling entourage of cars, motorcycles, SUV's, ambulance's, hummer's, helicopters, tanks and jet aircraft are going to bollix up the traffic in London for ordinary Londoners. We'll have hundreds of wire-infested SS muppets wandering around talking into their sleeves and generally giving us Londoners a thoroughly hard time.

I look forward to a protest while he is here. Perhaps a good egging is in order or a flying penis? Perhaps not, no-one would be able to tell the difference.

Google and Twitter

2008-05-21T21:17:00.002Z

Google! Please buy Twitter and put them out of their misery.

US to redesign banknotes for blind

2008-05-21T11:55:00.002Z

About blooming time too! I've said that there was a problem with the US bank notes for ages. How do blind people there tell a $1 bill from a $100 or even a $1000?

Seems like I wasn't alone as the American Council for the Blind has just won a court ruling which, if it succeeds (and I'm pretty sure there's a lot more work for the lawyers here) will force America to make changes to their currency. Mind you, with their current currency problems they'll probably need to design and print higher denominations soon enough anyway!

More at the BBC website here.

Hyperinflation

2008-05-20T13:11:00.002Z

A really interesting report on Hyperinflation
via the Shadow Government Statistics website. Fascinating stuff.

Inflationary Recession Is in Place
Banking Solvency Crisis Has Opened First Phase of Monetary Inflation
Hyperinflationary Depression Remains Likely As Early As 2010

Evil Space Bug In Microsoft Worldwide Telescope

2008-05-15T16:15:00.004Z

Well looky here - Microsoft found an evil space bug. Call NASA! Call DHS! Call NSA! We're all doomed Mr. Mannering. Doomed.

Video Blogging and Video Comments

2008-05-14T13:20:00.004Z

I posted the following to Robert Scoble's blog (it's awaiting moderation at the moment) here.

"I may be an old Luddite here but I don’t get this video blogging stuff. When I visit a blog I read it - scan it, in fact, - and get the gist of what the blog is about. You cannot do this with video blogging spaces like Seesmic. You have to sit through interminable hours of video waiting for the nugget of information.

Ditto for comments. I can read comments very quickly, scanning them for the rubbish and the gold. You cannot do that with video - wait for it to load, listen to the comment move on.

I think the difference is that with the written word the onus is on the creator to distill their words so the reader gets the message. With video, the onus is shifted to the viewer to watch and sift out the noise on the fly. “Er Um Er Um” doesn’t get written down - but it’ll stay in the video.

Audio comments? I won’t be listening.
Video comments? I won’t be watching."

I guess all this runs on from my experiences with Seesmic and Qik. I have many friends who use these services - people I respect, people I like, and people I like AND respect! - but I just don't get them at all.

I use YouTube a fair bit, I've even posted some clips myself and it's great. Short, snappy video for searching and researching. I am also a big consumer of blogs, podcasts and videocasts. I am a consumer of media in quite a big way.

I just don't get video blogs. As I reference above, a blog is scannable. You can look at a title, move on if it's crap and read on if it's interesting. If the title is interesting then I scan the content. I will either read it in full or scan fast to the next one.

You cannot do that with video. I can read quickly - faster than most people talk most probably - so if you include the load time for the video it's going to take me a lot longer to watch a blog post or comment than read it.

I can also, and this is important, reread a post or comment. It is notoriously difficult to rewind an online video. Start again or start again seem to be the only options.

Who has time to listen to the ramblings of some incompetent buffoon who might have something interesting to say 6 minutes in? I don't and I don't think the average Joe who reads blogs will either.

I'm probably going to get a pasting over this but I think video blogging and video comments are more about the narcissistic tendencies of the creators of the post rather than any social media, content extension or value-add to the receiver of the information. Where is the value add - what extra does the video comment bring that the written word can't.

Now, the naysayers will jump in and compare me to the folks who said Television would be a fad and radio would win out in the end. Wrong, this is different. Blogs are a written word medium and Video Podcasts or YouTube clips are a natural home for video. I don;t think the two mix well at all.

I still hold to my original opinion that Seesmic, Disqus and Qik (to name but three) are solutions looking for problems and I can't see the problem they are solving.

I will happily admit I am wrong if someone can show me why but until then I think they are a flash in the pan and will fade away in short order.

Should you forward that email?

2008-04-25T12:59:00.001Z

Joke du Jour

2008-04-24T08:21:00.001Z

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the chemist, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different..... You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

DEXPOSE2 - reloaded

2008-04-23T21:33:00.001Z

Here is the DexposE2 - reloaded. Enjoy!

Download here

BTW - take a look at my podcast at This Week In London

I am Iron Man...

2008-04-18T10:49:00.010Z

Which superhero are you?

Inventor. Businessman. Genius.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Test

Your results:
You are
Iron Man

65%

Which reminds me: Black Sabbath still rock after all these years! Why don't they use this as the movie soundtrack...?

Has he lost his mind?
Can he see or is he blind?
Can he walk at all,
Or if he moves will he fall?
Is he alive or dead?
Has he thoughts within his head?
We'll just pass him there
why should we even care?

He was turned to steel
in the great magnetic field
When he travelled time
for the future of mankind

Nobody wants him
He just stares at the world
Planning his vengeance
that he will soon unfurl

Now the time is here
for Iron Man to spread fear
Vengeance from the grave
Kills the people he once saved

Nobody wants him
They just turn their heads
Nobody helps him
Now he has his revenge

Heavy boots of lead
fills his victims full of dread
Running as fast as they can
Iron Man lives again!

Little Kenny

2008-04-11T05:18:00.002Z

Kenny - every parents dream child...................
I like this kid!!!

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little KENNY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little KENNY says, "I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little KENNY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."

LITTLE KENNY ON MATHS (Part 2)

Little KENNY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the his father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies KENNY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the f..... difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

LITTLE KENNY ON ENGLISH!

Little KENNY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

KENNY says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers, the teacher, smiles and says, "Wow, little KENNY, that's a mouthful."
Little KENNY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

LITTLE KENNY ON GRAMMAR!

Little KENNY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, 'Now, KENNY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little KENNY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger boobs, you'd be a TEN!"

LITTLE KENNY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little KENNY.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!'"

LITTLE KENNY ON GETTING OLDER

Little KENNY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little KENNY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little KENNY answered, "No, he minded his own f....... business."

Golfing terms

2008-03-31T14:36:00.000Z

A *Paris Hilton* - an expensive hole

A *Dennis Wise* - a nasty 5 footer

A *Salman Rushdie* - an impossible read

A *Rock Hudson* - looked straight, but it wasn't

A *Cuban* - needed one more revolution

An *Elton John *- a big bender that lips the rim

An *Adolf Hitler* - two shots in the bunker

A Saddam Hussein - from one bunker straight into another

A *Yasser Arafat* - ugly and in the sand

A *Kate Winslett* - little bit fat but otherwise perfect

A *Gerry Adams* - playing a Provisional

A *Glen Miller* - didn't make it over the water

An *Arthur Scargill* - a great strike but a poor result

A *Russell Grant* - a fat iron

A *Rodney King* - over-clubbed

An *O.J. Simpson* - got away with it

A *Princess Grace* - should have taken a driver

A *Princess Di* - shouldn't have taken a driver

A *Robin Cook* - just died on the hill

A *Michael Jackson* - gradually fading

A *Douglas Bader* - looked good in the air, but didn't have the legs

A *Ken Livingstone* - quite far left

A *Jean-Marie LePen* - a long way right

A *Ladyboy* - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems

A *condom* - safe but didn't feel real good

A *circus tent* - a BIG top

An *Anna Kournikova* - looks great, but unlikely to get a result

A *Vinnie Jones* - nasty kick when you're not expecting it

A *Sally Gunnell* - ugly, but a good runner

A *Liz McColgan* - Ugly but runs forever

A* Brazilian* - Shaves both sides of the hole

Subject: Passport Application

2008-03-31T14:34:00.001Z

Dear Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.
Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!
Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor... who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN...

Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen.

Boooooooo [yay!]

2008-03-31T12:05:00.001Z

This makes me so happy! Lots (and I mean lots) of Booing in the background as Monkey-Man makes the ceremonial pitch. W00t!

Recent Survey Results

2008-03-27T11:06:00.001Z

SURVEY 1:
A recent survey in England asked the following question:

Are there too many foreigners in this country now?

Answers:

20%: YES
10% : NO
70% : ãÚåÏ ÇáÃãä ÇáÚÇáãí ÈæÇÔäØ

SURVEY 2:
Last month, a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because...

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

Big Dog Beta

2008-03-27T06:56:00.001Z

Line Rider - Transcendental

2008-03-25T19:01:00.002Z

I've been dabbling with Line Rider for a while. Before you click play on the video please just go and try it out here. If you don't have time now then by all means play the video but it'll better if you understand how hard Line Rider is.

Okay. So I officially give up playing Line Rider - or at least trying to get to a reasonable standard because of this:

That is AWESOME. Breathtaking. The hours it's taken to do that blows my mind. Arghhh!

If You Haven't Got Anything Nice To Say...

2008-03-16T11:32:00.002Z

I can't for the life of me remember where I got this but it's a beautiful story. [Edit - yes I do - link in the heading]

He was in the first third grade class I taught at Saint Mary's School in Morris, Minn. All 34 of my students were dear to me, but Mark Eklund was one in a million. Very neat in appearance, but had that happy-to-be-alive attitude that made even his occasional mischievousness delightful. Mark talked incessantly. I had to remind him again and again that talking without permission was not acceptable. What impressed me so much, though, was his sincere response every time I had to correct him for misbehaving - "Thank you for correcting me, Sister!"

I didn't know what to make of it at first, but before long I became accustomed to hearing it many times a day One morning my patience was growing thin when Mark talked once too often, and then I made a novice-teacher's mistake. I looked at him and said, "If you say one more word, I am going to tape your mouth shut!" It wasn't ten seconds later when Chuck blurted out, "Mark is talking again." I hadn't asked any of the students to help me watch Mark, but since I had stated the punishment in front of the class, I had to act on it.

I remember the scene as if it had occurred this morning. I walked to my desk, very deliberately opened my drawer and took out a roll of masking tape. Without saying a word, I proceeded to Mark's desk, tore off two pieces of tape and made a big X with them over his mouth. I then returned to the front of the room. As I glanced at Mark to see how he was doing he winked at me. That did it! I started laughing. The class cheered as I walked back to Mark's desk, removed the tape and shrugged my shoulders. His first words were, "Thank you for correcting me, Sister."

At the end of the year I was asked to teach junior-high math. The years flew by, and before I knew it Mark was in my classroom again. He was more handsome than ever and just as polite. Since he had to listen carefully to my instructions in the "new math," he did not talk as much in ninth grade as he had in the third.

One Friday, things just didn't feel right. We had worked hard on a new concept all week, and I sensed that the students were frowning, frustrated with themselves - and edgy with one another. I had to stop this crankiness before it got out of hand. So I asked them to list the names of the other students in the room on two sheets of paper, leaving a space between each name. Then I told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates and write it down. It took the remainder of the class period to finish the assignment, and as the students left the room, each one handed me the papers. Charlie smiled. Marked said, "Thank you for teaching me, Sister. Have a good weekend."

That Saturday, I wrote down the name of each student on a separate sheet of paper, and I listed what everyone else had said about that individual. On Monday I gave each student his or her list. Before long, the entire class was smiling. "Really?" I heard whispered. "I never knew that meant anything to anyone!" "I didn't know others liked me so much!" No one ever mentioned those papers in class again. I never knew if they discussed them after class or with their parents, but it didn't matter.

The exercise had accomplished its purpose. The students were happy with themselves and one another again. That group of students moved on.

Several years later, after I returned from vacation, my parents met me at the airport. As we were driving home, Mother asked me the usual questions about the trip - the weather, my experiences in general. There was a light lull in the conversation. Mother gave Dad a sideways glance and simply says, "Dad?" My father cleared his throat as he usually did before something important. "The Eklunds called last night," he began. "Really?" I said. "I haven't heard from them in years. I wonder how Mark is." Dad responded quietly. "Mark was killed in Vietnam," he said. "The funeral is tomorrow, and his parents would like it if you could attend." To this day I can still point to the exact spot on I-494 where Dad told me about Mark.

I had never seen a serviceman in a military coffin before. Mark looked so handsome, so mature. All I could think at that moment was, Mark, I would give all the masking tape in the world if only you would talk to me. The church was packed with Mark's friends. Chuck's sister sang "The Battle Hymn of the Republic." Why did it have to rain on the day of the funeral? It was difficult enough at the graveside. The pastor said the usual prayers, and the bugler played taps. One by one those who loved Mark took a last walk by the coffin and sprinkled it with holy water. I was the last one to bless the coffin.

As I stood there, one of the soldiers who had acted as pallbearer came up to me. "Were you Mark's math teacher?" he asked. I nodded as I continued to stare at the coffin. "Mark talked about you a lot," he said. After the funeral, most of Mark's former classmates headed to Chucks farmhouse for lunch. Mark's mother and father were there, obviously waiting for me. "We want to show you something," his father said, taking a wallet out of his pocket. "They found this on Mark when he was killed. We thought you might recognize it."

Opening the billfold, he carefully removed two worn pieces of notebook paper that had obviously been taped, folded and refolded many times. I knew without looking that the papers were the ones on which I had listed all the good things each of Mark's classmates had said about him. "Thank you so much for doing that" Mark's mother said. "As you can see, Mark treasured it."

Mark's classmates started to gather around us. Charlie smiled rather sheepishly and said, "I still have my list. It's in the top drawer of my desk at home." Chuck's wife said, "Chuck asked me to put this in our wedding album." "I have mine too," Marilyn said. "It's in my diary." Then Vicki, another classmate, reached into her pocketbook, took out her wallet and showed her worn and frazzled list to the group. "I carry this with me at all times," Vicki said without batting an eyelash. "I think we all saved our lists." That's when I finally sat down and cried. I cried for Mark and for all his friends who would never see him again.

- Sister Helen P. Mrosia

Mother and Daughter: You Make Me Sick..

2008-03-14T07:07:00.002Z

I don't know who I am most angry with. The girl for being so awful or the mother for indulging her so horrendously.

Hat Tip to Daniel Miessler

Oh dear..

2008-03-13T16:05:00.000Z

Not one to be proud of this one.. Fun though.

94%DRUNKARD

Wired for creativity

2008-03-13T16:00:00.000Z

80%

Nerd Test

2008-03-12T22:44:00.000Z

Thought for the day

2008-03-06T11:05:00.002Z

Taken from GiaGia's blog. Click the link in the title for the full posting - which is terrific..

Quote

Elements lighter than Iron were created in Stars. The Iron in your car? Created in the heart of a star. The Iron in spinach? Created in the heart of a star. The Iron in the centre of a hemoglobin molecule in your blood? Created in the heart of a star. Your blood is red because the Universe was created.

Elements heavier than Iron were created in Supernova explosions. The mercury in your fillings? Created in a supernova explosion. The copper and nickel in your coins? Created in a supernova explosion. The gold or platinum in your wedding band? Created in a supernova explosion. The symbol of your Love for your partner exists because the Universe was created.

Who says Science is boring?

End Quote

Joke du jour

2008-03-06T09:41:00.000Z

These 12 are comments made on students’ report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but maybe they had a point!

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a ‘full six-pack’ but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.

10. If this student were any stupider he’d have to be watered twice a week.

11. It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

Joke du jour

2008-03-04T14:17:00.000Z

A scouser walks into the local job centre, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... you know, I just HATE being on benefit, I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent.We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is £200,000 a year".

The Scouser says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

Social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

Joke du jour

2008-02-27T13:13:00.001Z

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:
'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a Townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do. What do you suggest?'

At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

'You shag her again.'

Absolute Genius Putdowns

2008-02-26T23:39:00.001Z

Basil Fawlty - Fawlty Towers. To Sybil: "Oh dear, what happened? Did you get entangled in the eiderdown again? Not enough cream in your eclair? Hmm? Or did you have to talk to all your friends for so long that you didn't have time to perm your ears?"

Mrs Merton - The Mrs Merton Show. To Debbie McGee: "So what first attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels?"

Edmund Blackadder - Blackadder II. To Lord Percy: "The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr Brain has long since departed, hasn't he, Percy?"

Roseanne Conner - Roseanne. To husband Dan: "Your idea of romance is popping the can away from my face."

Father Jack Hackett - Father Ted. "Drink! Feck! Arse! Girls!"

Carla - Cheers. Cliff: "I'm ashamed God made me a man." Carla: "I don't think God's doing a lot of bragging about it either."

Patsy Stone - Absolutely Fabulous. "One more facelift on this one and she'll have a beard."

Jim Royle - The Royle Family. Nana: "Is this hat too far forward?" Jim: "No. We can still see your face."

Malcolm Tucker - The Thick Of It. To a junior minister: "All these hands all over the place! You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra! It was like watching John Leslie at work!"

Statler and Waldorf - The Muppet Show. Statler: "Wake up, you old fool, you slept through the show." Waldorf: "Who's a fool? You watched it."

Inspector Monkfish - The Fast Show. To a bereaved woman: "I realise this must be a very difficult time for you, so put your knickers on and go and make me a cup of tea."

No Offence - The Fast Show. "I notice you're not wearing a wedding ring which, given your age, means you're divorced or a lesbian."

Rupert Rigsby - Rising Damp. To lodger Alan, who complains his room is too cold to study in: "The only thing you study is your navel. You even shave lying down."

Nan - The Catherine Tate Show. Describing an encounter with an overweight hospital volunteer: "She said to me last time, 'You look bored, Mrs Taylor. I've got three words for you: Barbara Taylor Bradford.' So I said, 'Yeah? I've got three words for you too: calorie controlled diet."'

The Professor - The Mary Whitehouse Experience. "I have here a copy of your book, Origins of the Crimean War. It smells of poo." "That's because it's been inside your mum's bra."

Alf Garnett - Till Death Us Do Part. "You Scouse git!"

Alexis Carrington - Dynasty. "I'm glad to see your father had your teeth fixed - if not your mouth."

JR Ewing - Dallas. "Ray never was comfortable eating with the family - we do use knives and forks."

Dr Perry Cox - Scrubs. Dr Elliot Reid: "I don't think you understand the severity of the situation here. I am dangerously close to giving up men altogether." Dr Cox: "Then on behalf of men everywhere - and I do mean everywhere, including the ones in little mud huts - let me be the first to say thanks and hallelujah."

Dr Gregory House - House. "You can think I'm wrong, but that's no reason to stop thinking."

Gary Strang - Men Behaving Badly. "Let's face it, Tony, the only way you're gonna be in there is if you're both marooned on a desert island and she eats a poisonous berry or a nut which makes her temporarily deaf, dumb, stupid, forgetful and desperate for sex."

Arnold Rimmer - Red Dwarf. "Look, we all have something to bring to this discussion. But I think from now on the thing you should bring is silence."

Larry David - Curb Your Enthusiasm. "Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate."

Sam Tyler - Life On Mars. To Gene Hunt: "I think you've forgotten who you're talking to." Sam: "An overweight, over-the-hill, nicotine-stained, borderline-alcoholic homophobe with a superiority complex and an unhealthy obsession with male bonding?"

Captain Mainwaring - Dad's Army. "You stupid boy!"

First LOLCATS proposal

2008-02-15T09:54:00.000Z

moar humorous pics

Joke du Jour - Bonus

2008-02-11T16:01:00.001Z

OFFICE DARES - NEW OBJECTIVES FOR THE WEEK

ONE-POINT DARE
1. Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
2. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
3. Leave your fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, 'Sorry, I really prefer it this way'.
4. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
5. While riding in a lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
6. When in the lift with one other person, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you.
7. Finish all your sentences with 'In accordance with the prophecy...'
8. Don't use any punctuation.
9. Interrupt your conversation with someone by giving a huge dejected sigh.
10. Use your highlighter pen on the computer screen.

THREE-POINT DARES
1. Say to your boss, 'I like your style', wink, and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
2. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.
3. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
4. Every time you get an email, shout ''email''.
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. Keep hole punching your finger. Each time you do, shout, 'dammit, it's happened again!'. Then do it again.
7. Introduce yourself to a new colleague as 'the office bicycle'. Then wink and pout.
8. Call I.T. helpdesk and tell them that you can't seem to access any p*rnography web sites.

FIVE-POINT DARES
1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Dave'.
4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you 'really have to go do a number two'.
5. After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in: 'The reports on your desk, Mon.' Keep this up for one hour.
6. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, 'Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!'
7. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: 'Do you hear that?' 'What?' 'Never mind, it's gone now.'
8. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit; smash each biscuit with your fist.
9. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
10. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
11. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
12. Dry hump the photocopier. When someone spots you, stop and cough embarrassingly, then lean in to the machine and whisper loudly, 'I'll see you tonight'

Joke Du Jour - 11 Feb 08

2008-02-11T15:04:00.000Z

6th Place
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

5th Place
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid she said,
'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'

4th Place
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead.'

3rd Place
The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.
The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

2nd Place
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.
A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab
And said to the driver,
'Got stuck, he?'
The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'

SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would you happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.

Joke du Jour

2008-02-05T15:43:00.000Z

Ponder on these imponderables.

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

18. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend £1.50 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

21. If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

Ow to tork saff essex

2008-02-04T15:29:00.000Z

This has been an invaluable guide to me and I live in London! If you need help (and you might, even taking into account the explanations - drop me a line or leave a comment!

alma chizzit - A request to find the cost of an item

amant - Quantity; sum total ('Thez a yuge amant of mud in Saffend')

assband - Unable to leave the house because of illness, disability etc

awss - A four legged animal, on which money is won, or more likely lost ('That awss ya tipped cost me a fiver t'day')

branna - More brown than on a previous occasion ('Ere, Trace, ya look branna today, ave you been on sunbed?')

cort a panda - A rather large hamburger

Dan in the maff - Unhappy ('Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a bit Dan in the maff')

eye-eels - Women's shoes

Furrock - The location of Lakeside Shopping Centre

garrij - A building where a car is kept or repaired(Trace: 'Oi, Darren, I fink the motah needs at go in the garrij cos it aint working proper')

Ibeefa - Balaeric holiday island

lafarjik - Lacking in energy ('I feel all lafarjik')

OI OI! - Traditional greeting. Often heard from the doorway of pubs or during banging dance tunes at clubs

paipa - The Sun, The Mirror or The Sport

reband - The period of recovery and emotional turmoil after rejection by a lover ('I couldn't elp it, I wuz on the reband from Craig')

Saffend - Essex coastal resort boasting the longest pleasure pier in the world. The place where the characters from TV's, popular soap opera, Eastenders go on holiday

tan - The city of London, the big smoke

webbats - Querying the location something or someone is. ('Webbats is me dole card Trace? I've gotta sign on in arf hour')

wonnid - 1. Desired, needed. 2. Wanted by the police

zaggerate - To suggest that something is bigger or better than it actually is. ('I told ya a fazzand times already')

The video revolution will NOT be televised, because it’s boring.

2008-01-18T22:11:00.000Z

Cross posted from the Joe Duck Blog at www.joeduck.com - but this guy has nailed my concerns about video blogging tools such as Seesmic totally. I'd precis his posting but what the hey - here it is, in full. PLEASE click through the heading above to read the original.

QUOTE

OK, I officially don’t get it. Don’t get all this talk about how online video is the next big thing. Perhaps more accurately I do get it, but don’t understand why so many bright and well connected folks don’t seem to understand that there is a very important challenge with video that makes it far less significant of an online force than most of the early adopters seem to understand. Online video has a role to play in the information landscape, but it’s not nearly as significant as many seem to think.

Here’s a BBC story about the very clever Loic Lemeur and his clever SEESMIC project. We’ll see more of these stories over the next few years as mainstream press slowly figures out that the early adopter online community is very enthusiastic about videos, video blogging, and pretty much any moving pictures that you can pump online. Seesmic is a combination of video and community and thus offers the killer combo if you buy into the idea that the online world is going to revolve primarily around two key components: social networking and video.

I’m very skeptical. Not about the internet, which continues to rule. Not about social media, which clearly has become and will remain a key driver of online life. The internet has always been about people far more than technology, and the best definition of “Web 2.0″ is an internet driven primarily by people and their needs rather than technology and its constraints. But I’m very skeptical about online video, and I think the early commercial challenges of companies like RocketBoom, PodTech, and YouTube are an indication that it is very difficult to build a business or a community around video, let alone create a highly profitable environment that will drive future innovation in this space.

The biggest single challenge to video is obvious but overlooked by most of the sharp folks I see working that angle: Most video clips are very boring. Unlike a wordy blog entry you can quickly scan for the quick info buzz, and unlike pictures which you can review at the speed of an eye blink, with a video blog entry of video clip you’ll need to pay a lot of attention, and take up much of your attention span to glean the nugget or two of interesting content you’ll be lucky to find.

Video online enthusiasts often agree with this, but then suggest the answer will be better video indexing services - applications that chop up the video into dialog chunks or “ideas” that are then indexed and easy to search and easier to surf. Sure, that is an improvement, but if I want the goods I’d rather have a transcript and/or a few still pictures than a video any day, because unless you are a very slow reader a transcript is going to be easier to deal with efficiently than a video.

So, is there any room for video online? Of course, it’ll continue as a major force for cheap little entertainment bits and perhaps even could become a minor social force as tech enthusiasts use tools like SEESMIC to communicate in a more robust and intimate fashion than you can do with writing. However the lack of monetization potential combined with the fact that 99.99% of all video clips will bore to tears means that ultimately video will NOT create the kind of sea change in internet focus many have been waiting for.

In fact, the video revolution is so boring it’s not even online yet, and it may never be.

UNQUOTE

The birth of the Compact Disk

2008-01-04T08:02:00.000Z

Greetings. When my great-uncle-in-law dies a few years back, one of the things which popped up when we were going through his things was a copy of "Gramophone" magazine from March 1983. Why is this interesting? Well, because March 1983 was the month that Compact Disk was released on an unsuspecting vinyl-loving, cassette loving humanity.

[Interestingly, I was in HMV yesterday and was amazed and delighted to see lots of LP's on sale - and not just the boom-bang-innit dance artists either. Lots of current groups are releasing to vinyl now as well. However, the real shocker was the re-appearance of the 7" single. Yay! The first thing I collected. And they're back. Anyway....]

Now, it's important to realise that CD was a dramatic change from LP. LP's could be scratched easily, they didn't like handling, they crackled and popped and were generally very fragile wee beasties. CD on the other hands promised "perfect sound for ever" - yeah, I know but check the adverts below...

And on to the purpose of this post. I have scanned several pages from the March '83 edition of Gramophone and put them into my Flickr account. I hope you enjoy these...

So, there you have it. 25 years ago this coming year a revolution happened in music. And now it's happening all over again.

If you want to go straight to my Set on Flickr then just click the heading of this post.

And finally...

Cheers and Happy New Year...

Email Disclaimer

2007-12-16T18:13:00.000Z

I found this in an old archive. It's quite an email disclaimer!

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This message (including any attachments) is confidential and may be privileged. If you have received it by mistake please notify the sender by return e-mail and delete this message from your system. Any unauthorised use or dissemination of this message in whole or in part is strictly prohibited. Please note that e-mails are susceptible to change. We shall not be liable for the improper or incomplete transmission of the information contained in this communication nor for any delay in its receipt or damage to your system. We do not guarantee that the integrity of this communication has been maintained nor that this communication is free of viruses, interceptions or interference although this mail has been scanned on departure from here.

Warning: Pressing CTRL + ALT + DEL again will restart your computer. May cause drowsiness. Contains genetically modified soya. You will lose unsaved information in all programs that are running. Stir gently from time to time. Toxic to aquatic organisms. Caveat emptor. No spitting. Harmful or fatal if swallowed. This program will search your system to confirm your eligibility for this upgrade edition. Suitable only for persons of 18 years and over. Irritant. Contents may settle in transit. Some viewers may find the following item distressing. This System is Not Year 2000 Compliant. Avoid spraying onto broken skin. If you already use unleaded petrol the ban will not affect you. Contains nuts. Protect from frost. Although extra care has been taken to remove all bones, some small bones may remain. Active Ingredient: N, N-Diethyl-m-toluamide 50% W/W. Discard immediately after complete or partial use. Serious injury could result if the tool tips or you accidentally hit it. 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Suitable for a gluten free diet. May cause lung damage if swallowed. It is now safe to turn off your computer. Made in Belgium. A note of my firm's charges will follow shortly for your kind attention.

Macworld 2008 - Parky's pick

2007-12-13T21:56:00.000Z

Well you can tell I'm getting better from the flu' - I've redeveloped an opinion. Qu'elle surprise! So, what's this post about then?

Well I understand that Mr. Jobs is going to have another of his Reality Distortion Events in the New Year and that the unveiling of newer whizzo super-duper nooo products will be taking place.

Furthermore I am lead to believe that it is common practice to spout forth gibberish on what one thinks the said Mr. Jobs will announce at aforesaid event.

Now, as someone who has three windows PC's and two Mac's in the house and have nearly bought the Mac Mini and the AppleTV I thought I would project my points of view in those directions.

Firstly, the Mac Mini wasn't a runaway success but sold in respectable numbers but is now in great need of a refresh. I nearly bought one but didn't because I got an old iMac free. The Mac Mini is now old-old-old by Apple standards.

Secondly, the AppleTV. It stank and it still does. I nearly bought one when it came out because I thought it was such a cool idea but waited until I could see it in the Apple Store. I got a-feared of it because it was limited in its wi-fi range (you couldn't put an external aerial onto it) and it ran hot! Really hot!

So we have an old platform in need of a refresh and a great idea with flaws in need of a proper platform. Well here's the duh moment.

Apple are going to merge the two product lines and come out with a domestic media centre.

Take the Mac Mini, beef it up (bigger hard disk, more rammage and chippage) add the AppleTV operating applications and call it, I dunno, the Mac Media Center...

or the Mac Home... or even the iHome....

Following on Twitter on Followers on Facebook and PayPal up to the nuts in DoubleClick

2007-11-29T20:38:00.000Z

I've come to the conclusion that I really like Twitter but Facebook is really starting to get on my wick. There are however, a couple of caveats.

I'm happy to get follower requests on Twitter. I can go to that persons Twitter page, see the numbers of Followings and Followers and make a call. What call do I make? It's easy really but it is a gut feel so I do break the rule.

If the person requesting me is obviously a noob with, like, 23 and 4 people in their stats I return the favour and follow them back. If they are totally disjointed and out of whack with 3000 and 24 then no chance. Spammers. Avoid. Obviously the uberTwit's have odd stats but you'd expect that eh?

I guess I'm not autofollowing everyone who follows me. Sorry.

On to Facebook. I am a gnats crotchet away from walking away from Facebook. If I get another invite to join the "Corn Swagglers Club" or "Fnordian Focus Forum" then I'm out. There are only so many times I can send Zombie bites or hamster to people. I don't care. LinkedIn is more interesting to me than that effluent. Gitwizards.

I visit when I get a Gmail to the effect that someone has done something to me but it's just getting so boring. And now Facebook has got their advertising thing on I am even more pissed off. I know they needed to monetize. Fair enough. Sell me stuff. No problem. Don't sell stuff to my Friends on the basis that Paul liked so therefore Dean or Dave or Adrian would like it too. They almost certainly won't. Get lost Facebook. Redo the advertising or I'm out. Gitwizards.

Next rant. I listened to Security Now on the way home and was frankly disgusted with the news that PayPal have jumped into bed with DoubleClick. And when I say into bed I mean up to the nuts. Everything you do on PayPal is passed to DoubleClick. Stuff that. I hate DoubleClick. I know it's a Google thing and Google "don't do evil" but that's bollocks we all know that - Google are a business for heavens sake. They are here to make money. MONEY. Gitwizards.

Grabbing my personal data from PayPal is outrageous. I would like to say I will be scaling down my use of PayPal but to what? There are others but Google seems to own them. I use CrapCleaner (CCleaner) to get rid of the DoubleClick douchebag cookies and other crud. Tens of megabytes every week. What value to DoubleClick actually give me? They should pay me to keep their cookies on my PC. When I find 'em right now I delete them. And I will always do that. I wish there was a law about it? Arghh. Gitwizards.

Finally can people with iPods who use the really cheap and nasty one's PLEASE invest in some decent earphones. I went over to the West End this lunchtime and had the unfortunate experience of sitting next to someone on the Tube with a shiny new Nano (the little screeny one) with the cheapo headphones playing Amy Winehouse at full blat. I didn't have my iPod with nice in ear 'phones with me so I had to listen to Amy's droning all the way to Euston. She wasn't getting on just my wick either. Half the folks in my carriage were giving her the Evil Eye. One chap even motioned for her to turn it down - did she get it? Naaah. She just settled in and carried on staring into space.

I'd love for someone from Apple to ride the tube, bus or train in London in the rush hour and listen to the noise pollution from their cheap and nasty headphones. Gitwizards.

Tuesday Night Board Riding Club.

2007-11-28T07:30:00.000Z

One of these oafs is my oldest son. James successfully did the bigger rail at the bottom last night.

Carl Sagan. Profund deep words.

2007-11-23T15:08:00.001Z

This moved me.

If you look carefully at the NASA photo below, you will see a little white dot. This minute speck is Earth seen from the Voyager 1 spacecraft as it exits the solar system, nearly 4 billion miles away. The photo was taken back in 1990.

Look again at that dot. That’s here. That’s home. That’s us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every “superstar,” every “supreme leader,” every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there–on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.

The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that, in glory and triumph, they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of this pixel on the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner, how frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds.

Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the Universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves.

The Earth is the only world known so far to harbor life. There is nowhere else, at least in the near future, to which our species could migrate. Visit, yes. Settle, not yet. Like it or not, for the moment the Earth is where we make our stand.

It has been said that astronomy is a humbling and character-building experience. There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another, and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we’ve ever known.

– Carl Sagan, Pale Blue Dot, 1994

Should I be pleased about this?

2007-11-22T16:58:00.001Z

I would be if Harry wasn't such bl00dy do-gooder...

P

Your Harry Potter Alter Ego Is...?
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Harry Potter

You can be a little reckless and hot-headed at times, but a more brave and courageous friend would be hard to find.

Harry Potter

85%

Albus Dumbledore

70%

Ron Weasley

70%

Sirius Black

65%

Ginny Weasley

65%

Remus Lupin

65%

Hermione Granger

55%

Draco Malfoy

40%

Lord Voldemort

35%

Severus Snape

35%

Harry Potter and the Magic Wang....

2007-11-09T15:42:00.000Z

From a friend: [NB JonJonB is the author, NOT the friend!)

Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book. Let's see the results...

"Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
"Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything

A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

"Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
"Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "

Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls

"Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.

He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.

Ok
I have found, definitive proof
that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all:::

"Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?

Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang

Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.

'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his Uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.

The Day The Routers Died...

2007-10-30T12:01:00.001Z

The question is - did you laugh or did you even get it? Answers on blog comment please!

Austrian Airlines' message to me = "Screw You!"

2007-10-22T12:37:00.000Z

Well, Austrian Airlines finally got back to AmEx following my complaint about being stranded at Heathrow because their 'plane was two hours late. The result? A massive "Screw You" from the essentially nationalised airline. My comments in red

"Dear Mr Parkinson

I am writing further with regards to the delayed Austrian Airlines flight as we are now in receipt of their response, which I attach for your kind perusal.

Good morning Mrs. [name redacted],

We regret that our client Mr. Parkinson was affected by the long delay of OS 457 on 20th September and the inconveniences caused. (so it took you over a month to get back to me. I guess that's because of the overwhelmingly HUGE number of complaints you get!)

The aircraft had to be changed due to a technical reason, therefore it could not depart before 10.00 p.m. Airlines cannot be held responsible for consequential costs, therefore we have to confirm the statements of the staff asked by our passenger. We cannot offer any compensation or refund of missed train connections or costs for cab companies. (so screw you!)

We do hope that despite of the negative experience Mr. Parkinson will soon take off again with the Austrian Airlines Group and wish a pleasant journey! (you. have. got. to. be. joking.)
If you think I will ever fly with Arrogant Airlines again you have another thing coming. The seats are tiny, the food - what food?, the arrogance of the cabin crew - I can carry on but you'd get bored.

Yours sincerely
___________________________
AUSTRIAN AIRLINES GROUP
[Name redacted]
Teamleader Customer Relations

The airline have declined to reimburse your additional charges incurred due to technical problems. This may be something that can be claimed via your Travel Insurance. If this is a path you would like to follow, please let me know as I have asked the airline to provide some confirmation of the delay to provide to the insurance company.

Therefore I must advise with regret, that on this occasion it is not a more positive outcome but hope that this will not deter you from using our services in the future.

AmEx have, as usual been super in all this. I don't have a bad word to say about them.

Regards

[Name redacted]
Customer Services Representative
American Express Business Travel

So. Travel with Austrian Airlines at your own risk. They suck.

GMail - increase in mailbox storage size

2007-10-22T07:02:00.000Z

Looky here! GMail from Google has increased the size of the mailbox / storage area on my Flashing12@gmail.com account to 4116Mb or 4 gigabytes. Yay!

Man Flu / Man Cold

2007-10-19T10:45:00.000Z

Genius.

Don't Let This Be The End....

2007-10-13T10:41:00.000Z

Fabulous viral clip from the WWF. Thanks to www.gottaquirk.com for the link...

Large Shovel + Head = no pain...

2007-10-12T22:53:00.000Z

via videosift.com

I think we need this at the Ski Centre....

Samsonite Suitcases

2007-10-11T12:51:00.000Z

They say that a satisfied customer tells one or two people about their experience. A DISsatisfied customer tells a dozen. I'm about to break that "truth".

I have a very large, purple, Samsonite suitcase which has been round the world a few times with me and has been a tried and trusted carry all for me. Recently the extendable handle developed a crack which widened to the extent that it was starting to break off completely.

I popped into my local Samsonite store (Bluewater in Kent) and asked if it could be repaired and if so how much. Certainly came the response and it would be between £25 and £50 to repair. Fine I thought, better than £200 for a new one and off it went.

A week later and I get a call from the store. All done, they say, come and get it.

I get to the store and by bag is duly presented to me all repaired and shiny. Well, not terribly shiny, it has travelled a bit. I ask how much and I'm told £43.14 which I am happy with. Right on the estimate. Cool.

And then the kicker. In this case Mr Parkinson, we're going to waive it. Pardon says I? We 're waiving it. Free. Gratis.

Wow. Did I leave the shop with a smile on? Will I be looking at Samsonite favourably from now on? WIll I be more likely to buy a suitcase from them in the future? Will I tell my friends? Will I blog about it?

Yessirreejimbob. I will. And some.

If other companies paid attention to this kind of customer service the world would be a better place.

Specifically, I am thinking about you AUSTRIAN AIRLINES who left me stranded at Heathrow recently with no way of getting home and a stiff finger from the people in Vienna when I explained what their two hour delay was going to do to my return journey home...

and you, RED HERRING MAGAZINE who still haven't refunded my subscription after six months of emails and calls.

Companies like this SUCK and should be avoided. At. All. Costs.

I hope Red Herring goes the same way as Business 2.0 magazine and Austrian Airlines get privatised.

ZOMG. Clarke Wooten Miller. Bass Bass Bass.

2007-10-08T22:29:00.000Z

I am sooooo happy to have found this.. A keeper.

Podcast Geek

2007-09-19T17:13:00.001Z

Podcast Geek
Originally uploaded by ExtraLife

I love this series of pictures. Check out the rest by following the picture link...

Where is Nuke?

2007-09-12T21:07:00.000Z

A touching posting from StumbleUpon

2007-09-12T13:34:00.000Z

I was just Stumbling when I came across this posting. No idea if it's real / true but it is touching nonetheless.

Slam Idol Podcast Poetry Competition

2007-09-12T09:41:00.000Z

Here's a great video from a good podcast mate of mine, Simon Toon, of the Slam Idol Podcast: