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Monday, June 09, 2008

The Scaryduckworth-Lewis Method of Rating Things for Excellence - 2008 list

I must confess to laughing myself to death with this. I have been a zombie since April as a direct result of this piece:

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Original Link: Robber Rabbit


Behold! After much tinkering, this year's Scaryduckworth-Lewis Method of Rating Things for Excellent is upon us. No change in the top three, but there's very little you can do with that sort of manky perfection.

0. A shaven-headed Britney Spears in a roll neck sweater
1. Lightly-oiled Ann Noreen Widdecombe experimenting in the Acts of Sappho
2. Margaret Thatcher leather whip “happy finish” massage
3. Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, a riding crop and a bucket of beef dripping
4. Judy Finnegan squatting over a glass table, squeezing out a portion of nutty slack
5. Vanessa Feltz in a negligee, selling herself to a leather-clad Pat Butcher
6. Amy Winehouse sucking on a tramp's gusset for her next fix

7. Victoria Beckham in a bikini, lapping at the very gates of skeletal Kate Moss in an OK! Magazine exclusive
8. Delia Smith smeared in mashed potato in the team bath as a Norwich City win bonus
9. A wild-eyed and frothing Heather Mills using her wooden leg to facilitate the pleasure of Myleene Klass.
10. Konnie Huq in a bath of beans, whilst Zoe Salmon scrubs her back with a french stick
11. Susie Dent in shiny black rubber mini-dress, looking up swears in the dictionary while Carol Vorderman rubs herself against a bollard for "one easy, monthly payment."
12. Felicity Kendall wrapped in clingfilm, with Penelope Keith talking dirty in the background
13. Fiona Bruce describing exactly what she would do to you if you left your back door unlocked

14. Kate Winslet mostly keeping her clothes on, a present from a shameless Holly Willoughby
15. Emma Thomspon on a street corner and wrapped in cligfilm asking for "business"
16. An entirely legal Emma Watson exploring the joys of the Golden Snitch
17. Kate Humble in a wet T-shirt competition
18. Billie Piper riding a space-hopper over a cobbled street
19. Nigella Lawson whipping up a creamy sauce with her tongue before demonstrating a novel use for the Kenwood Chef
20. Sarah Beeny wrestling Kirstie Allsopp in a paddling pool filled with baby oil

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